39 Rules for Surviving Movies
39 Rules For Surviving Movies
We have all sat in a movie theatre watching the characters on screen, thinking to ourselves, ‘yes, that is exactly what I would do in that situation’, or more likely; ‘you stupid son of a bitch/bitch (delete as appropriate), what are you doing? Do you want to die?!?’ OK so we know that characters do things to ramp up tension or advance the story, and we might not do the same things in similar situations, or might we? Could you survive a movie? Now I’m sure we all know the rules for slasher films, our fellow geek Randy from Scream laid them out perfectly, but what about other genres? How do you survive an action film, or a romantic comedy? Do you think you could make it to the end of a Die Hard movie? Would you get the girl/boy in a Rom-com? Well if the following 39 rules don’t help, maybe it was never to be, but you never know, one day, one of these may save your life. Your welcome, by the way.
#1 Never face an explosion, for if you do, you will surely be expelled backwards with tremendous speed and probably hit a car wind-shield. (The Other Guys, Lethal Weapon).
#2 Much better then to turn your back to an explosion, and never flinch even if its super loud and fiery. Put on a don’t give a shit face so that any surviving baddies will realise your the baddest mutha-fucka around. (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, any Jason Statham Film).
#3 If your driving late at night and you hit something, keep going, especially if it’s a full moon, or in a wooded area, nothing good will come of you stopping, and perhaps a lot bad. (Wolf, Cursed).
#4 Do not ever even dream of harming the daughter of a character, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Don’t try and hurt her, and for God’s sake don’t kidnap her, you will not like the results. (Commando, True Lies).
#5 If you meet a girl, or guy, and you have a whirlwind romance, and then something stupid and petty happens and you split up, but you both obviously love each other, don’t fret, you will get back together before long, and be happy for ever and ever, and realise how stupid you guys were. (Literally any Rom-com ever).
#6 If you are an alien, and decide to try and colonise Earth, do your homework before hand, and make sure you are not fatally affected by something that is incredibly common on said planet, for example, water, or the cold virus. (Signs, War of the Worlds).
#7 If you are a human investigating, or trying to colonise a planet that has hostile natives living on it, don’t try and handle things using marines, it will end badly, nuke the planet from orbit, and then go in a get what you wanted on the planet. (Aliens, Avatar).
#8 If your parents die in an accident/incident whilst you are young, don’t get depressed, they just gave you the best gift they could possibly give you, you will grow up to be a hero of some description. Resentment will inevitably lead you down a darker path, in which case, you will be defeated by a person who shares your tragic past, but dealt with it in a more positive manner. (Spider-man, Batman, Watchmen)
#9 If you work with chemicals, genetics or any science of any description, hire another Health and Safety guy immediately. Your Lab is a death trap, and will kill you, or give birth to a monster that will surely try and destroy mankind, and it will be your fault. Health and Safety guy will prevent this. (Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Species, The Incredible Hulk).
#10 R.E. #9, if you don’t hire a new Health and Safety guy, make sure you are at the heart of any explosions or meltdowns in your Lab/factory, you will be granted super powers. (Daredevil, Hulk).
#11 Don’t take in dangerous animals as babies, they will grow up and wreak havoc and kill your fellow towns folk. These animals will inevitably become much bigger than a usual member of their species, its just bad news. (Lake Placid, Rise of the Planet of the Apes).
#12 If your best friend is of the opposite sex, stop trying to find love, you already found it, any man/woman you date/marry will turn out to be a douche bag, the love of your life is your best friend may as well accept it now, and be happier earlier. (Friends With Benefits, One Day).
#13 If you’ve been bitten by a wild animal and start to exhibit weird attributes, don’t worry, you are well on your way to obtaining super human abilities!! If it was a wolf however, worry, you are officially fucked. (The Wolfman, Spider-man).
#14 Do not, under any circumstances go to Mars. Nothing good happens there, and its shit anyway. (Total Recall, Doom, John Carter).
#15 BEWARE THE MOON . Its in CAPS for a reason people. Always beware the moon, the moon is bad news. (American Werewolf In London, Moon, Apollo 18).
#16 If you are a bastard and go around killing people in front of their children, make sure you are a complete bastard and kill the kid too, otherwise, in 15-20 years time, you will die at the hands of said child. (Jason and the Argonauts, Batman, Conan the Barbarian).
#17 If you hire a great hunter to kill an animal, or animals that are bothering your town, or business, do not think that you won’t have to get your hands dirty. The hunter will die, and you will be left to kill the beast. (Jaws, The Ghost and the Darkness).
#18 If you happen to be a meglo-maniac super-villain, don’t waste millions of pounds or dollars on goons, who will just be bullet sponges for any meddling hero. Much better to invest in around 5 super hard henchmen, who can shoot and fight, they will be a major distraction to your nemesis whilst you run away. (Any James Bond Film).
#19 Do not engage your nemesis in conversation, just shoot/stab/punch them to death, things will be resolved much more quickly. (Any action film).
#20 If you choose to ignore #19, make sure you tough talk your opponent, and once dispatched, say a funny pun or line that is related to the way you have dispatched said opponent, anyone within earshot will know that you are a total badass, and if your opponent still has the ability to hear, he/she will know that they were beaten by a superior person, both in fighting skill, and wit. (Commando, True Lies, Red Heat).
#21 If you happen to be a vampire, and wish to fully exploit the wonders of being un-dead, don’t be a dick, keep it low key, don’t try and take over the world, and stay well away from any slayers who happen to be around, oh and for God’s sake, if you can go out at day time, but it makes you glitter, stay in at day time, no one wants to see that shit. (Twilight, Dracula, Blade).
#22 If you have discovered that you have ‘swapped bodies’ with a child, or friend, try and keep a low profile until you can both work out how this crazy situation happened. The hijinks that will inevitably ensue if rule #22 is not followed will put a strain on relationships and your career, really not worth it. (Freaky Friday, The Change Up).
#23 If you are a normal human being, and decide to commit crimes in Gotham City or Metropolis, you Sir, are a fucking idiot. There is no arguing this fact. (Batman Begins, Superman, The Dark Knight).
#24 Parents, if you have aspirations for your child to become either super great, or a super shit, think ahead and name your child appropriately. Names such as Castor Troy, Jon Matrix and Chev Chelios will help your child become an ultimate badass. If you choose a boring name, such as Henry, at least have the decency to call any family pet a cool name, may I suggest Indiana? (Indiana Jones, Face off, Crank).
#25 If you are a police chief, or sheriff of a small American town, start to make preparations immediately for emergency situations, these include, but are not limited to, escaped mental patient, alien invasion, vampire attack, aggressive animal attack and the start of a zombie apocalypse. It pay to be prepared. (Jaws, Dawn of the Dead, 30 Days of Night, Super 8).
#26 Linked to the previous rule, if there is a mayor of said town, he will probably be worried about the tourism situation or property prices, that will take a hit due to the situation you are preparing for in rule #25. Shut his shit down immediately, if you listen to him, people will die. (Jaws, any Jaws rip off).
#27 If you are an animated character, you probably have a deficiency in your character, don’t worry, very soon you, and those around you, will learn a valuable life lesson, that will enrich your life, even if you are an animated animal. (Bambi, Dumbo, Finding Nemo).
#28 If you start to cough loudly, better write that will and make sure your estate is in order, you have a terrible, probably fatal illness, or you are turning into a zombie, both are not ideal. (Day of the Dead, Philadelphia).
#29 If a ‘crazy’ person starts giving warnings about events that are very unlikely to happen (they will), or is seeing visions (they will come true) or anything similar, believe what they have to say, you know it makes sense. (End of Days, Stigmata).
#30 If you fall in love with a girl, and she likes you, but you then realise she is married, or is soon going to be, don’t sweat it, she is with to an absolute shit of a man, and if you play the waiting game, she will realise, and you two will get together. (Wedding Crashers. The Wedding Singer).
#31 Ladies, if you are married or the girlfriend of a man who’s muscles are bigger than most small trees, then you will get kidnapped, or at least put in danger, on a semi-regular basis, your man will save you though, but is it really worth the days of fear and pain? If your significant other moonlights as a superhero, this problem will be exacerbated ten fold. ( True Lies, Spider-man, Batman, Die Hard).
#32 If you want to portray the complete badass image, why not try a wield a slightly impractical weapon? Enemies will know you mean business, even if a gun or sword would be much easier. (Blade Trinity, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Indiana Jones).
#33 Nothing good ever happens in a Cave, unless said cave doubles as your secret lair, so do not under any circumstances go into one. (The Cave, Batman, The Descent).
#34 If you have a seemingly useless bit of tat lying around, that for the life of you, you cant think of a use for it, but never the less, you seem to stare at or keep safe for no apparent reason what so ever, this item will be super important at a later date. It might open a tomb, or be the key to a secret chest or something. (Raiders of the Lost Ark, National Treasure).
#35 If you have a creepy neighbour, move house. (Fright Night, Disturbia).
#36 If you are a white male, and you are taken in by a foreign warrior society, they will train you, but after a while, you will become much much better than them and most probably save the village or something, go you. (Last Samurai, Pathfinder Last of the Mohicans).
#37 If you are a male of a race other than white, and realise that your white friend is more popular than you, I’m sorry to say that you will most probably die well before anyone else, but don’t worry, your death will give your friend motivation to win the day. If you are a character who looks exactly like Denzel Washington, you don’t have to worry about this, you are the hero, well done. (Temple of Doom).
#38 If you find something hard, uncomfortable or scary, and you mention it to someone, then at some point, this thing will inevitably come back to haunt you, putting your life in danger. (Raiders of the Lost Ark).
#39 If you are a jock, realise that the ‘geeky’ girl with glasses that doesn’t dress like a whore, is actually super hot, but you will only realise this if one of your jock friends bets you wouldn’t take her to the prom. If you are the geeky girl in this equation, your best friend and fellow geek probably loves you, and will treat you much better than the jock. (She’s All That).