UNITED GEEK HEROES*
*Yes OK, it’s a rip off of Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Lets not pretend that the following piece of writing hasn’t been done before, and by better writers than I, but who hasn’t thought of their own perfect Geek icon team up? Unlike the great Alan Moore, I’m not going to limit myself to one time period and one medium of geekery, for the following to take place, we will assume that the British/American Governments have invented time, and inter-dimensional travel and that all worlds, universes and times are open to them. I have limited myself to seven members of the team, and a pet/mascot, otherwise it would just be silly, superpowers are allowed, but no Superman or characters of similar power, like Dr. Manhattan, they make things far less interesting. There are no real rules for what roles characters should full fill, but a leader probably should be chosen, apart from that each members individual roles are up for discussion.
I think that Geeky Gem and Kirkie Chick will be forming their own team, and perhaps we can have a bit of a fan boy/girl rumble, yeah I know that has been done before too, but shut up. OK, so here we go, time to kick things off with the leader of my U.G.H. Team…
Alexander III of Macedon, A.K.A. Alexander the Great
Quite literally my favourite person in the history of the world, Alexander was not called The Great for nothing. Born in 356 B.C.E. Son of an almost equally brilliant dude Philip II of Macedon, Alexander was born to rule most of the world. By the age of 21, Alexander had assumed the role of King after the murder of his Father, quickly uniting the emerging state of Macedon behind him, he conquered his enemies in Greece, and with lightening speed led a united Macedonian and Greek army of around 35,000 troops against the monster of the Persian Empire. On his death bed at the age of 33, Alexander had conquered half the known world, his empire stretched from Egypt to Russia, from Greece to India, and he had never lost a battle or campaign.
Why choose Alexander then? Well, the guy is a legend, one of the greatest Generals in history, he never lost a battle or a campaign. With vastly outnumbered forces, he conquered the vast Persian Empire and was always at the forefront of battle, leading from the front and getting stuck in. It has been said that at times he single handedly changed the flow of battles and won the day with his iron will and strength. Not only was he a great general, but he took on board the cultures and customs of the people he conquered, he founded over 70 cities and treated all peoples with equal respect. He also had a massive ego. That might be seen as a bad point, but let me explain why it’s essential.
Alexander will be in leading six other heroes/heroines who each are at the top of their respective games. In many cases, these members will not be used to being told what to do, Alexander would be able to demand respect, he would have the knowledge to use his team to their strengths and would not shy away from any threat. He burned bright, and died young, and his more negative aspects would have to be kept in check (he might want to continue where he left off), but I think all in all, his legendary status demands that he become the leader of United Geek Heroes.
The Brains/The Money
Bruce Wayne, A.K.A. The Batman
I was going to opt for Sherlock Holmes in this spot but whilst he might be histories greatest detective, he couldn’t your face in like Batman. Bruce Wayne also has the advantage of being one of the richest men on Earth, owning the multi national Wayne Corp. and any super group is going to need a little extra funding. Bruce Wayne also has a ceaseless vendetta against crime. When he was a small boy, Bruce’s parents were killed by the low level criminal Joe Chill. Vowing that day to take revenge on Chill, crime in general and to try and stop such a thing ever happening to anyone else, Bruce Wayne dedicated his life to the war on crime.
Training in all forms of hand to hand combat, Wayne is perhaps the most capable fighter ever. He also knows the the value of fear and surprise in combat. Returning to his native Gotham City after years of travelling the world learning to be a complete badass, Wayne began his research into the world of the criminal, and taking inspiration from his own fears, he sought to turn them into his advantage. Taking on the mantle of a bat, Bruce Wayne employs seriously cool technology, badass martial arts, the worlds greatest crime solving mind, and the inbuilt fear in the criminal to wage his war on crime as The Batman.
Batman is not really a conventional choice for a team up, normally seen as a lone wolf. However, he is a major part of The Justice League and also in recent times has sought to franchise out his war on crime. Batman Inc. is now a very real thing and many countries around the world have their own version of Batman. Also America does not need to rely on the Caped Crusader alone any more. Robin, Nightwing, Bat Girl, Bat Woman and numerous others now also seek to aid The Dark Knight in his quest. I’m sure he would not find it easy to take orders, but, Alexander is perhaps an even stronger personality, and so would keep Bruce Wayne in check, whilst Batman himself would keep Alexander’s less noble personality traits in check. Also, the inclusion of Batman would also secure the Batcave and other secret hideouts to be used as a headquarters, complete with a faithful Butler, Alfred, and after a hard day saving the world, you don’t really want to get your own drinks and snacks right?
Captain H.M. Murdoch, A.K.A. Howling Mad Murdoch
Why pick a team member that is clearly insane? Because he is able to drive pretty much any vehicle, no matter what state it is in, by Crom, He flew a tank!! Clearly able to handle a vehicle under any circumstances and under all kinds of stress, and doing it whilst acting like a complete loon, He picks himself. Every team needs a smart ass, comic relief character, and Howling Mad Murdoch is the extreme of this.
Whatever else Murdoch is, he is also a dedicated soldier, so can follow orders, and is used to being in extreme and unusual situations. I would bet he could fly an alien craft if needed and would rub against the other members of the team to create hilarious situations! Don’t think that humour is a facet that the team will not need. In the most dangerous and perilous situations, when all else looks dark and hopeless, a really bad comedy accent or a terrible Braveheart impression will be the difference between life and death!
Wade Wilson, A.K.A. Deadpool
Disfigured, anti-hero he may be, but ‘the Merc with the Mouth’ would prove to be an essential part of my team. His wise cracking ways will work well with a certain Howling Mad Murdoch, and his ability to break the fourth wall may prove invaluable.
An accelerated healing power granted to him through the Weapon -X programme, means he is invulnerable to any disease and toxin, he has also survived decapitation. His accelerated healing also grants him superhuman stamina and reflexes, and he is an expert swordsman and marksman. An expert with any and every weapon, Deadpool is an essential, if unstable, member of the crew.
Expert on the Occult and the Supernatural, Obtainer of Rare Antiquities
Dr. Henry Jones Jnr. A.K.A. Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones. Do I need to write any more? OK, I will. I was going to choose Hellboy, but then realised that he’s basically a giant red demon version of Indiana Jones anyway, so the original had to be included. Indy’s heroic credentials are beyond reproach. He has saved the world three times and an Indian Village once, as well as numerous boyhood adventures and other activities that have not been put on celluloid. Nazi Bashing a speciality, no one knows more about ancient civilisations, religious mumbo jumbo and super powered secret McGuffins.
What about supernatural threats? Well, Dr. Jones is well versed in the occult and has seen things that would make the average man question their sanity. I think it’s a fair bet, that if he came into contact with vampires, werewolves, zombies etc. a bit of research, and remember he is a teacher, and he would be more than capable of coping with anything the world of the undead could throw at him. Plus our next member has seen more than her fair share of spooky shit, and can always lend a hand…
Super Sexy Token Female
Special Agent Dana Scully, F.B.I. A.K.A. Mrs. Hmsbeefnuts
Intelligent, beautiful, handy with a gun and also a trained Medical Doctor, Scully is a no nonsense, professional who gets the job done. In her years working with Special Agent Fox ‘Spooky’ Mulder, she came up against all kinds of threats, both supernatural, other worldly, and just plain freaky, valuable experience for the team.
The fact that I was practically in love with Gillian Anderson during the duration of The X-files, and who am I kidding, still am, has nothing to do with her inclusion….ummm, anyway. As few of my choices have any major super powers, I feel she fits right in, and is a valuable member of my team, and she is sexy so there.
Red Sonja, A.K.A The She Devil with a Sword
I have a thing for Red heads, lets just get that out of the way right now. I also have a thing for hot chicks in chain mail bikinis, I blame Frank Frazetta. Anyway, when Sonja was 17, her homestead was attacked, her family killed in front of her, and she was raped, but left alive, not the best start in life. The Red Goddess, Scathach, appeared to her, and taking pity, instilled in her the skills needed to take her revenge, being a complete badass with a sword, and other fighting skills. However, this was granted on one condition, that she never lie with a man who hasn’t defeated her in combat, no easy task.
Basically, Red Sonja has experienced the very worst that life can throw at someone, and came out the other end a complete and utter badass. I would be lying if I told you her beauty was not a factor in my picking her, but she could kick 95% of the asses on planet Earth, whilst looking better than 99% of people on Earth, and that’s got to count for something.
Cringer, A.K.A. Battle Cat
When Prince Adam of Eternia says the magic words and raises the Sword of Greyskull aloft his head, he turns into He-Man, a thinly veiled Conan rip-off, and his cowardly green and yellow tiger turns into Battle cat, who is completely and utterly badass and awesome and absolutely the greatest mount since Pegasus. Look at the picture above, and tell me you wouldn’t want to ride that into battle. Now we have a problem, He-man is not in my team, so how will the usually cowardly Cringer turn into Battle Cat? Easy, when Battle Cat is recruited, Red Sonja bitch slaps Prince Adam into the ground grabs the magic sword and threatens to kill him unless he gives her the magic words; ‘By the power of Greyskull, I have the power!!!’. Red Sonja then has the sword, the magic words, and the right to ride Battle Cat into battle, lucky Battle Cat.
Battle Cat is brave, strong, quick, looks super amazing, and can talk. I stand by my earlier statement, who could possibly say that they don’t think a huge ridable green and yellow tiger, in magic battle armour isn’t one of the coolest things ever?
So there you are, those are my picks for a super squad of heroes who could come up against any threat. I would love to read your own thoughts in the comments below. Did I leave someone out? Did I make a critical error? Am I talking out of my arse? Geeky Gem and Kirkie Chick will hopefully be discussing their picks as I type, so we will see who they chose for their team, and then perhaps, we can pit them against each other. Till next time…