All Geek To Me

Pure Geekness

39 More Rules We Learned From Movies

By Hmsbeefnuts

Hey guys, how are we? Good? I’m glad. You all look well, and I think that perhaps a certain article I have written previously might have had a little something to do with your good health? Well your welcome anyway. Last time I used my vast and extensive movie knowledge to pass on to you the advice I have garnered from my years of research into movie characters, 39 rules to live by if you will. Well I have come here to apologise my friends, for 39 rules are far too few, I have come up with 39 more rules, and they are essential reading if you are to stand any chance in love, life, war and other situations not currently thought about. So sit forward, take a deep breath and read these essential rules, perhaps twice, you want them to sink in after all, and perhaps you will survive long enough to read the next instalment, as soon as I can think of some more. It’s not easy you know…

#40 Were you born blonde and blue eyed, but your parents are significantly genetically different, or you have weird birth marks on your body, guess what, you are the chosen one, prepare for a life as a hero, if you’re male, or a sacrificial offering, if you’re a female, and a virgin. (Star Wars, Conan the Destroyer).

#41 If you live in a city with a globally recognisable landmark, you are 99.9% more susceptible to natural disasters, alien invasion and giant monster attacks, probably best you move. (Team America: World Police, 2012, Godzilla).

#42 Live in New York, or Washington? You , Sir/Madam are an absolute fucking idiot, a monster, or huge disaster is only days away!! (Godzilla, Independence Day).

#43 If you have a vivid dream about hunting, then wake up somewhere strange with blood on your face, that was no dream buddy. (Wolf, An American Werewolf in London).

#44 You are a maverick cop, you will constantly be shouted at by your boss, but when the shit hits the fan, your will be the only person who can sort shit out. (Lethal Weapon, Die Hard).

#45 If someone at work complains that they have been bitten by a wolf, or wolf-like creature, immediately stop having sex with their wife. (Wolf).

#46 If you are part of an elite commando unit, or marine unit, and you are told you are going on a routine mission, the mission will be anything but routine. (Aliens, Dog Soldiers, Predator).

#47 A small force of soldiers will always beat a vastly superior force of enemy soldiers as long as they are on the side of good, or at least British. Unless you are a Spartan. (Zulu, The Two Towers, 300).

#48 If you are a leader of some description and are about to lead men into battle, your chances of victory will be improved ten fold if you employ the tactic of the inspirational speech. It’s worth at least another couple of thousand troops. (Gladiator, Braveheart, Return of The King).

#49 If you are a scientist and your formula, or invention is promising, but nowhere near ready for human testing, do not test it on humans, especially yourself, it will result in a massive ball ache, 9 times out of 10. (Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Fly).

#50 Do not ever, ever, ever, I can not stress this enough, try and play God by bringing extinct creatures back to life, or trying to create life, it will always result in tragedy. (Jurassic Park, Frankenstein, Species).

#51 If someone tells you it will be fine, it wont be.

#52 Never, under any circumstances pick up a hitch-hiker, especially if they are on the bank of the Amazon river. (Anaconda, The Hitch-hiker).

#53 Do not trust technology, it will spank your bottom at every available opportunity. (The Terminator, Robocop).

#54 If you are asked to look after someone’s baby or pet, hilarity will no doubt ensue, and everyone will learn a lesson. (Three Men and a Baby, Uncle Buck).

#55 Do not worry if the orphanage or small business you run is in financial trouble and is threatened with closure, an advert for a sporting event will give you an answer to these problems, the winners purse will be exactly the money you need to keep your orphanage or small business open. (Dodgeball, Knuckle-head).

#56 When you do form your own sports team to compete in said tournament, train a bit (montages seem to help an awful lot, montages with inspirational music are best), and although you are the least experienced people in the competition, you will win. (Dodgeball, Mighty Ducks).

#57 If you are journeying somewhere, you will not see the castle or city you are journeying to until it can be clearly seen in some detail, as in you can pick out specific details of said town/castle. You will probably then have to conduct the majority of your journey with your head firmly pointed to the floor. (Solomon Kane, Fellowship of the Ring).

#58 If you are what could be described as an ‘action man’, do not have serious relationships with women, it will lead to more bother for you, and usually by your next adventure, they will be forgotten, and you will never mention them again. Really not worth the bother for some meaningless sex, keep the ladies for between adventures. (Indiana Jones, James Bond).

#59 Children should be kept away from danger at all times, and you are very irresponsible indeed if you bring them along on an adventure, you will have to save them, causing you major hassle, or worst case scenario, they will grow up to become the scourge of the universe, and it will be your fault, because you thought you knew better than child services. (Temple of Doom, Phantom Menace).

#60 Dance competitions are the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE. If someone has challenged you to one, or you are entered in one, forget everything else and just concentrate on the competition, even if your school work is effected, or relationships. (Any film with dance in the title).

#61 It is OK to kick a bullies ass in a competitive fight, but not if he starts a fight in the street, you have to pay expensive tournament entry fees and buy regulation equipment if you want to teach the bully a lesson. Your trainer will refuse to train you if you do defend yourself outside of a tournament. (Never Back Down, The Karate Kid).

#62 Your Boss is an idiot, especially if you are in the army, they will fuck up, and you will have to sort it out. Worse, anything you do that is good, they will try and claim the glory for. (Crimson Tide, Horrible Bosses).

#63 Everyone in the police force is a complete numpty, apart from that one older detective who is about to retire. If you happen to be a serial killer, probably into Gothic or biblical imagery, you will probably get away with all your horrible crimes if you simply kill that one detective, he probably looks a hell of a lot like Morgan Freeman. (Fallen, SE7EN, Along Came A Spider).

#64 Never pick up dropped weapons if you are a super spy, you will not need them, as you have a very small hand gun, and all the henchmen are inept. (Any James Bond Film).

#65 If you own your own Imperial Army, for the love of Crom teach them how to shoot straight, it will pay off in the long run. (Star Wars).

#66 Nature hates you, because you are a twat. It will try and kill you, you bastard.(The Edge, The Happening).

#67 Lost? Don’t stop at that spooky house on the hill, or that old shack in the woods, just keep moving, and you may live to get found. (Dracula).

#68 Always make sure an enemy is dead, a head shot is always a good idea, before continuing your mission/life, if you don’t, they will always come back for afters. (Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer).

#69 Always bet on the underdog, especially if they are playing in a final or championship match/fight, you will win a lot of money. (Rocky 2, Mighty Ducks, The Karate Kid).

#70 If you go for a lads night out, make sure you carry a million phones, and forms of ID. You will lose almost all of them, but should hold on to some if you carry in bulk. Actually better to get micro-chipped like a dog, so your significant other can trace you. (The Hangover).

#71 If a man, or woman, tells you they are bad news….they are.

#72 Some men, just want to watch the world burn, i.e., some men are mega twats, and you can save yourself a major pain in the ass if you just kill them, no one will mind, and many lives will be saved.(The Dark Knight).

#73 A man who acts like a child, or a retard is not a figure of sympathy, he is one of hilarity, also he may have made a wish with a fortune telling machine and is in fact a child trapped in a man’s body, either way, it’s gona be a lot of fun!!! (Big, Any Adam Sandler Movie).

#74 If your a hero type person and a friend of your mentions they are going to do something at some point in the future, you may as well shoot them in the head yourself, or leave them behind on the next mission, because they are going to die a probably very horrible death. (Top Gun, Predator).

#75 Never accept an invitation to a manor house that arrives out of the blue, no matter how tempting it seems, it is a trap. (Clue, The House On Haunted Hill).

#76 If you are able to obtain superpowers by some means, you can never use them for your own selfish means, unless you wish to become evil, if you don’t constantly help people you will only hurt yourself. (Spider-man).

#77 If you are a member of a secret society, that guards a terrible or valuable secret, you will fail in your attempt to keep it secret, worry not however, a man or woman who has little to no vested interest in said object will probably help sort stuff out when it all goes pear shaped. (The Last Crusade, Tomb Raider The Mummy).

#78 When in a fire fight with numerous bad guys, you will never need to change your ammo clip, unless there is a weird reason for you to do so, i.e. to have a conversation or to make a plan, otherwise, guns never run out of ammo. (Commando, The Expendables).

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