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SUMMER KNIGHTS: TOP 10 SWORDSMEN IN FILM

By @hmsbeefnuts

Knights have swords, everyone knows that. So in a thinly constructed link to our Summer Knights season of articles, I have decided to write a few words about my personal favourite blokes who wield swords. Hardly any of these are knights, but they all have swords, so it counts, it defiantly counts.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Conan is the ultimate sword based badass. No stupid barbarian is he, but a clever, and deadly opponent, a match for any man, woman, monster, demon or God. Taught from a young age to end lives with his blade, Conan has been awesome at being a buccaneer, warrior, corsair, thief, gladiator and every other conceivable sword based career type you can mention. His sword is awesome, he killed wolves and wore there skins as a cloak, and dammit just read some Conan or watch the original movie, you wont be sorry.

SOLOMON KANE

Who said religious guys weren’t fucking badass? An ex pirate, reformed because the Devil wants his soul, Solomon becomes a Puritan hero fighting evil all around the Globe. His pirating skills obviously help a lot when you are fighting demons and monsters, and the guy can dual wield swords like a mother fucker.

INIGO MONTOYA

Anyone who’s Father dies at the hands of a six fingered man, swears revenge, and dedicates his life to the pursuit of revenge, despite there being little money in it, is alright by me. Inigo is a permed Spanish Badass, fair, yet deadly. A future Dread Pirate Roberts, Inigo is a master with a blade. His fight with The Dread Pirate Roberts, is one of the greatest fights in cinema history, and boy, what a catch phrase… Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my Father. Prepare to die!!!

ROBIN HOOD

Robin of Loxley, hero of the crusades, a noble man who fights for the common man, against the combined evil of King (Prince) John, The Sheriff of Nottingham and Guy of Guisborne. More noted as an archer, and why not he is very very good, Robin is also quite adept as a swordsman. His fight against Guy of Guisborne In The Adventures of Robin Hood, is the standard against which all subsequent sword fights should be set. The guy is a legend, even as a fox, he could wield a sword better than most humans, suck it most humans.

ARAGORN

Aragorn is a man trapped by destiny. He is destined to reclaim the throne of Gondor, but he doesn’t spend his time trying to stay alive until his time is right, he spends it fighting Orcs, Cave Trolls and Ring Wraiths. Absolute middle earth bad ass.

OBI WAN KENOBI

Ben is responsible for besting more Sith Lords than any other. He cut Darth Maul in half, sliced the shit out of his former best friend and pupil Darth Vader, and chose to become one with the force in an old age rematch. Lightsabers are cool, and for my money Obi Wan is the best at lightsabers, simple.

ACHILLES

Achilles is a killing machine, he can barely move his arm and kill you. Every move is measured and deliberate. His finishing move, the jumping lunge, is as deadly as the Leg Drop of Doom, or The F5.

MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS

General, gladiator, farmer, Father to a murdered son, Husband to a murdered wife, Maximus is a stone cold badass with a gladius. The shorter Roman sword isn’t an easy weapon to master, but Maximus, decimates the competition. Dispensing sword advice to his adversaries, throwing swords like a knife, and fighting tigers and Emperors, Maximus is the Roman equivalent of Batman. It doesn’t get any better.

NED STARK

In the land of Westeros, everyone fears Ser Jaime Lannister. Renowned as the greatest swordsman in the land, in both battle and tourney. However, there is one man, one man in Westeros, who could not give less of a fuck about Ser Jaime’s sword skills. Ned Stark, Lord of Winterfell, Hand of the King, and owner of the biggest sword this side of the Wall, is the baddest most Knightly, honourable man in the whole kingdom, and is an absolute dude with a sword. If he and Jaime ever got the chance to go at it, without interference, my money would be on Ned.

JASON

In a ship full of the greatest heroes in all of Greece, Jason alone is the man who survives a fight with 7 viscous skeletal warriors. No mean feat to fight the undead, especially since you cant stab them, or cut them. Jason is cool, even though his sword looks like a gardening implement.

Top 5 Current WWE Superstars

By Hmsbeefnuts

Once again AGTM’s expensive Geek Radar equipment turns it’s focus to the WWE Universe. I’m still managing to watch RAW and Smackdown every week, and the PPV too, and I’m still enjoying them. As this is the case, I thought it was about time I wrote something else about the squared circle, and the men who battle within it. It is time, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, for my personal Top 5 current WWE Superstars, in order.

DANIEL BRYAN

My favourite current wrestler, Daniel Bryan has managed to become one of the biggest Stars in the WWE on talent alone. Not the biggest guy in the world, and in fact, probably one of the smallest in WWE, Bryan has reached the point where his catch phrase ‘YES! YES! YES!’ is shouted by fans even when he isn’t on screen. His style is super technical, mixed with MMA like moves. He is able to have exciting and credible matches with everyone on the roster, even Mark Henry, and his mic work is fantastic. He is supposed to be a heel, but is super over with most fans. His battles with CM Punk have been the best things on WWE TV this year. Bryan has gone from strength to strength, and his break up with girlfriend AJ was hilarious. Bryan is the man of the moment, and a shining example to WWE that you don’t need to be a roid head to make it big.

CM PUNK

It was touch or go whether or not I picked Punk as my number 1, but in the end, Daniel Bryan just pipped him to the title. Punk is fantastic as WWE Champ, he has held the title now for around 6 months, and has entered great performances defending it, particularly against the mighty Bryan. Punk is a master of the mic, and of actual wrestling. He has been given the cover of the new WWE 13 game, an honour indeed, which goes to show he is now an established Superstar. I am very much looking forward to his match against Bryan at No Way Out, which at the time of writing, has not happened yet.

DOLPH ZIGGLER

The Show Off is a great wrestler, that has been lumbered with the awful Jack Swagger for too long. He always gives energetic and strong performances and never has a terrible match. Ziggler is one of the new breed of WWE guys, like Bryan and Punk, who aren’t huge, but rely more on skill and building stories with their matches. Ziggler has been excellent recently and hopefully, is looking good for an extended push to the very top of the WWE roster. He even seems to have left Swagger in the dust. Dolph could easily be his generation Mr. Perfect, he has all the skills needed, he just needs the right push.

CHRISTIAN

The veteran has recently returned from injury and straight into a feud with Cody Rodes and the Intercontinental Championship. Christian has done it all in WWE, but has always been a favourite of mine and is always interesting, entertaining and over. Whilst his best days may well be behind him, Christian still has a lot to offer to WWE, and I hope for a heated feud with Cody over the title belt over the summer.

ZACK RYDER

Zack Ryder is not a great wrestler right now, but he has the potential, at least I, think he does. You have to give credit to a guy that has been buried on TV and jobbed out continuously, for being so popular. Especially when he has done it all by himself. WWE aren’t known for liking that kind of thing, they want to tell people who to like, and push people they give the OK to, but the internet champion has made a name for himself all on his own, and you have to respect that. A definite Intercontinental Champion contender, Zack Ryder could go far in the WWE, if only WWE, will let him. I hope they do, he is the personification of Manifest Destiny. WOO WOO WOO. You know it.

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