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Autumn of Terror: Top 5 Hammer Horror Films

By @hmsbeefnuts

If you like your Horror films with a massive spoonful of gothic, a healthy dose of sexiness and some of the finest British character actors ever produced, then you surely are in love with Hammer Horror films. I have loved these films for ever, they are responsible for my love of evil women in corsets, and they are fantastic examples of good old fashioned gothic horror. I have a large collection of these films on DVD, but my fondest memories of these films must be when I first caught them on the TV. I was at the right age, hormones raging, cleavage unbearably exciting, and the thought of a film called The Vampire Lovers was all a bit too much. Needless to say I tried to watch as much Hammer as possible, and although the chance of bear female flesh was initially the draw, I soon realised that the films were great too. So here, are my top 5 Hammer Horror films, I hope you enjoy…


This just happens to be one of my favourite films of all time. I love The Hound of The Baskervilles, and this version is my very favourite. Perhaps not a typical Hammer Horror, it definitely deserves it’s place on this list. Peter Cushing is the great detective, with Christopher Lee reduced to the smaller role of Sir Henry Baskerville. What we have here is a bit of a change of pace from our usual Hammer fare, there isn’t much sexiness going on here, but this film is all about atmosphere. Baskerville Manor is suitably dreary and gothic, and the moor is desolate and foreboding, and the howl of the Hound is heart stopping. I love the beginning, showing how the Curse of the Baskervilles came to be, and Hammer manage to add some occult overtones to the story. All in all, this is a sure fire hit for me, and I am bound to be slipping it in to my DVD player in the run up to Halloween.


Not a success when first released, I had a few problems tracking this one down, but I have to say, this film is rather fantastic, and a whole lot of fun. Captain Kronos is a Vampire Hunter (obviously) but not really in line with Peter Cushing’s Van Helsing. He is more of a proto Hugh Jackman Van Helsing. In this film, Vampires suck the life out of victims, literally turning them into old haggard husks, when once they were beautiful women. As a former soldier, and ‘expert swordsman’ Kronos and his hunchback assistant travel the country dispatching vampires in a far more swashbuckling type manner than Professor Van Helsing, and this puts a unique spin on vampire hunting in the Hammer canon. Perhaps not for everyone, there are a distinct lack of Hammer Stars in this, however, the film, planned as the first of a franchise, deserves to be seen and appreciated. Highly recommended.


Hammer’s take on Bram Stoker’s original story, The Horror of Dracula is the daddy of Hammer Dracula films. We have Christopher Lee as the Count, perhaps the greatest person to ever play him, and his arch nemesis, Van Helsing, played by Peter ‘the man’ Cushing. This doesn’t quite match the original story, as Hammer took some liberties with the plot, but as a film, this is just fantastic. Seeing Cushing and Lee face off against each other is worth the price of the DVD alone, there simply aren’t many more Hammery Hammer Horror Films one can see.


OK I’ll admit it, this choice is based on Ingrid Pitt alone. She is one of the most devastatingly beautiful and downright sexy women ever to drain the blood from sexy virgin girls and bathe in it. The fact that I have also had a long fascination with Elisabeth Bathory, The Bloody Countess, which true story this film is based on, also helps a bit, but by all that is holy and innocent, Ingrid Pitt looks like a Goddess and could be forgiven for any crime, even the murder of a few hundred maids, as long as she looked that good. I feel at this point I must apologise, as this isn’t really a review as such, and I’m not really giving many reason why anyone should watch this film beyond ‘Ingrid Pitt is banging’. Well… does it help that Hercules himself, from Jason and the Argonauts, is in it? Or there is copious amounts of nudity? No? Well unlucky, Ingrid Pitt is hot as hell, and she is naked a lot in this film, and the story is fascinating, so, all in all, this movie is full of win.


The only werewolf film Hammer made, and quite a good entry in the genre. Werewolves are my favourite monster, and Universals The Wolf Man is one of my favourite movies of all time. Whilst Hammer’s take on the werewolf doesn’t quite reach the heady heights climbed by Lon Chaney Jnr, Oliver Reed gives a tragic performance as the man wolf. Hammer’s version of the monster is a mix between the Lon Chaney Wolf Man, and the earlier Universal film Werewolf of London, another film worth checking out Horror fans. There is quite a bit of werewolf myth going on here, particularly in the way werewolfism is passed on, or created. Set in Spain, this film is very atmospheric, and a perfect cap to any Hammer Horror Marathon.

Top 6 Sexy Geeky Royalty:Or Hmsbeefnuts Can’t Think Of Anything to Post Up Of Any Worth, And So Has To Rely On An Easy Backup

 By @hmsbeefnuts

If I have learned one thing about writing a blog these past few months, it’s this, posts about sexually attractive females produce far more views than those that do not feature pictures of scantily clad ladies. Oh and zombies are quite popular too. If only there were a way to combine the two? Hmm, Hmsbeefnuts Presents: The Top 5 Scantily Clad Zombie Babes? The Top 10 Babes Killed By Zombies? Hmm… it has suddenly all become clear. Anyway, now that you know that this article is basically just a base grab for traffic to the site, and my motives have been laid bare, we should not dilly dally. On with the Sexy Geek Royals!!! Oh a small note on my choices, Disney Princess’s were certainly considered, but being animated, and of undetermined age, I was not sure I could include them. Belle and Ariel were very close to being picked.

Dejah Thoris

I like my Princess’s like I like my curry, meek, mild and in need of a heroic figure to save them from certain death, but with a hidden strength. Dejah Thoris ticks all these boxes, she is like a fantastic chicken korma, but you know, much much sexier, and Mars royalty, so not much like a korma at all. I think I need to go back to the extended metaphorical drawing board… Dejah Thoris is like a really sexy, princess, who lives on Mars, and as luck would have it, that is exactly what she is. Smart, sexy and just bloody lovely and loveable, Dejah is my kind of Martian. She has a barbarian aesthetic, with Sci-Fi leanings, and is a clear influence on our next, and rather obvious entrant. For me though, Dejah has her protégée beat, hands down.

Liea Organa

Yes, yes I know, obvious right? Well yes it is, but I would like a little time to explain. I have never really found Princess Liea that sexy. I wouldn’t say she was that beautiful, she is a pain in the arse most of the time, and I’m sure Han Solo could do much much better, at least in the looks department. Where she does score points though, is in the spunky (hey now), kick arse kind of way. She is a woman in charge, and she kicks arse and takes names, and I happen to like that. Of course all the bullshit in the world can be said about why she would appear in this list, but at the end of the day, we all know why she is here, that slave outfit. Quite simply, the outfit she wears in Jabba’s Palace could be included in this list on its own, it is that sexy. You may notice I haven’t featured a picture of Carrie Fisher (sorry Ms. Fisher) but just look at the picture I did post up, are you telling me one slave Liea is better than many? Then you Sir/Madam, are a damn liar. Princess Liea gets picked for the fact she gave the world THAT slave outfit. Thank you George Lucas, all is forgiven.

Wonder Woman

An Amazonian Princess, and certainly the one woman on this list you would not want to get on the wrong side of, Wonder Woman is both cool and sexy, and could give most superheroes a good kicking. Once again, Diana wears a quite simply staggering outfit, and once again, we dip into my deprived psyche and uncover a little kink that should perhaps remain hidden. Wonder Woman is not the typical damsel in distress princess that I would normally go for, but variety is the spice of life so they say, and a 6 ft. dark haired warrior woman, is nothing to shake a stick (I said stick) at. Wonder Woman gets the nod then, and the fact she is well into bondage can only be seen as a massive plus!

Princess Farah

Oh Jane Seymour, an English Rose, a medicine woman, a sex crazed mother of a wedding crasher’s crush. Oh Jane, one of the most beautiful women to ever live, Bond Girl, milf, and Arabian Princess? Why not? I think I became obsessed by Jane Seymour at a very early age, around the age of 4. My love of Ray Harryhausen movies made me re-watch Jason and Clash and the Sindbad movies, over and over again. Obviously the draw of these movies were the monsters, the monsters and the adventure, but if one thing could distract me from the Cyclops’, Dragons and Griffons, it was the beautiful damsel in distress that the heroes had to save, and surely none more beautiful than Princess Fara, played by Jane Seymour. Just look at her, like a work of art come to life, and oh boy, did those Arabian Princess’s know how to dress sexy. At the age of 4, I probably didn’t know why Ms. Seymour was attractive, I just knew I wanted to look at her, yes folks, I was a pervert even back then, but I feel no shame about this. If you don’t want to look at Jane Seymour, you my friend are wrong, not I. Time for some Sindbad I feel…

Daenerys Targaryen

Let me make this clear, I am very much talking about the Emilia Clarke version of Daenerys from the Game of Thrones TV show, as the one in the book starts off at like 14 years old. So, TV Daenerys… what can be said, easily one of the most beautiful women on TV, Daenerys Stormborn knocked me out the first time I saw her. The fact she doesn’t wear many clothes (when she wears clothes at all) was in no way a factor in this, honest. All about the eyes… hmm anyway. Initially a bullied weak character, Daenerys soon learns what it is to be a Khaleesi, and lead her own Khalasaar. Oh and did I mention she is also know as The Mother of Dragons? Hmm I wonder why? Daenerys is perhaps my personal favourite sexy royal woman in this list, but I’m a sucker for a blonde petite woman, not wearing leather and hand rearing 3 flying lizards, but that’s just me.

Countess Elisabeth Bathory


I guess that some would think a Countess is far less important than a Princess, but then you haven’t seen Countess Elisabeth Bathory, the Bloody Countess. The version of this very real historical figure that I would personally choose to fancy most is Hammer Horror legend, Ingrid Pitt, one of the all time great film beauties. In real life, Bathory was said to be related to the great inspiration for Dracula himself, Vlad Tepesh, also known as the Impaler, and it seems that gruesomeness may run in the family. Bathory was said to be obsessed with youth and beauty, and would abduct virgin village girls and servants, drain them of their blood, and bathe in it, in order to keep her young and desirable. In the film Countess Dracula, this certainly seems to work, as I can think of few women more desirable then Ingrid Pitt. So yes, she was rumoured to have killed around 500 virgin girls, and took a lot of baths, but it was probably all here say and lies, and anyway, when you look like Ingrid Pitt, as I’m sure she did in real life, then you are allowed 1 or 500 indiscretions.

So there we have it, 6 amazingly sexy examples of geeky royalty, now, all I have to do is count the views,hahahahahahahahah hahahahaha…

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