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All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics: Fencing

By @hmsbeefnuts

I don’t know about you, but for months, if not years, I have been fed up with all this Olympic nonsense. I get it, it’s cool that the lesser sports get a great big competition to see who is the best, but by Zeus, I find it incredibly boring. There are some bright spots though. Fencing, wrestling, boxing, javelin etc. are all cool events, it’s just that all the stupid rules get in the way of me having a good time. It was then with a slightly mischievous glint in my rolling eyes, that I decided to pick a few choice Olympic sports and hold a Geek Character Olympic games, a far more interesting prospect than the real boring ones that are currently on going. All characters and real people are eligible to enter the Geek Olympics, and a few interesting (hopefully) events will take place. Oh and there can be only one, so no silver, no bronze, just gold, the Geek Olympics have no place for losers.

OPENING CEREMONY

I have organised this celebration of awesome physical feats, and as such, I get to pick the acts for the opening ceremony. So here goes. We start things off nice and folksy with a performance by Flight of the Conchords, as everyone has a gentle introduction to the madness that is to come. A few toe tapping songs later, and our next act comes to the stage, The Lonely Island. The boys, joined by Mr Timberlake rock the stadium as a Human Torch relay is taking place. Johnny Storm is carried around the stadium by all the participants. Finally, as The Lonely Island’s set comes to an end, The Hulk carries the Human Torch up the steps of a gigantic platform and throws him at the Geek Olympic symbol, setting it on fire. We are almost ready. Just time for our last and best act, Tenacious D rock the crowds socks off with a storming set as some dragons do a fly by and a firework display, provided courtesy of V and Gandalf lights up the sky. With the ceremony over, it is time for our first events.

FENCING

Our contenders for the fencing gold medal are, Robin Hood (Errol Flynn Version), Inigo Montoya, Count Dooku, Syrio Forel, Ezio Auditore, Captain Jack Sparrow, Colin McCloud and Zorro. McCloud faces Montoya in heat 1. There can be only one, but Montoya knows something McCloud doesn’t, Inigo isn’t left handed, Montoya goes through easily with a killing swipe that takes the Highlanders head. Heat 2 Cpt. Jack faces up to the dancing teacher himself, Syrio Forel. Both unique individuals, this heat goes on for a while, with Jack’s unusual ‘drunken’ style making a fool out of the former First Sword of Braavos. Back and for the match goes, until Jack is distracted by the glint of the Gold medal, displayed near the arena, Forel, lunges, Jack falls, and Forel is through to the next round.

Robin Hood and the devious Count Dooku face each other next, Dooku is forced to use a formal sword, no lightsabres here. Unused to the extra weight, and due to the fact he is old as shit, Robin Hood easily overcomes him, a cut to the hand makes Dooku drop his sword, and with a slap of the tights, Robin of Loxley is through to the next round. Heat 4 has Ezio Auditore, master Assassin, and Zorro cross rapiers. But before the match can start, Ezio goes to shake hands, as Zorro reaches out, Ezio unleashes his hidden blade, one swift jump kill later, and Zorro is no more. On to the Semi- Finals!!!

Inigo Montoya draws Ezio Auditore, and after what happened to Zorro, Montoya is taking no chances. The match starts and Inigo begins his first attack, Ezio is dodging, trying to get away, but Inigo is able to keep up. Steel clashes on steel, and minutes pass without a break in the deadlock. But then Inigo has a thought; ‘You wouldn’t happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand?’, Inigo asks Ezio, confused by the question, Ezio drops his guard, only for Inigo to stab the Italian Assassin to death. Inigo through to the final. That leaves Syrio Forel and Robin Hood, in semi-final 2. Robin is having a great time, laughing and joking with the crowd, and laughing at Syrio and his dancing style. Not being taken seriously annoys the Braavosi and he flings himself at Hood. All of a sudden silver flashes and metallic clashes ring out with renewed fury. Syrio over stretches, Robin slaps Syrio’s arse with his sword, a fatal mistake, Syrio launches his sword behind him, straight into the laughing face of Hood. Lesson? Always take sword fights seriously!!

OK its time for the first final, the big one, the Gold Medal contest between Syrio Forel and Inigo Montoya. The final takes place in a ruined castle, stair cases, rocks and chandeliers. Its going to be good. Both men are pretty evenly matched, masters of many different styles. Both men walk to the centre, salute each other with their swords and then… en guarde!!! A flurry of sword strikes is almost blindingly hard to see. The crowd is on edge as the fight goes back and forth, up stairs, down stairs, swinging on the chandeliers and the exact cutting of conveniently placed candles. It seems the Braavosi and the Spaniard are an even match, even the left handed/right handed trick doesn’t work, both men have studied there fencing well. For four hours both men put on a show that puts all other contests to shame. However, it all comes down to conditioning, and Inigo is a younger man than the retired First Sword of Braavos, a trip over a lose step, put Forel on his front, defenceless. Inigo draws his sword to the throat of the downed man. But something stops him from striking; ‘I would sooner destroy a work of art than a master like yourself, yield to me.’ Syrio agrees, the Inigo helps Syrio up, and the two men hug it out. Winner Inigo Montoya.

That’s it for this time, there will be more events coming, and hopefully you will stick around to see what happens? Until next time…

SUMMER KNIGHTS: TOP 10 SWORDSMEN IN FILM

By @hmsbeefnuts

Knights have swords, everyone knows that. So in a thinly constructed link to our Summer Knights season of articles, I have decided to write a few words about my personal favourite blokes who wield swords. Hardly any of these are knights, but they all have swords, so it counts, it defiantly counts.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Conan is the ultimate sword based badass. No stupid barbarian is he, but a clever, and deadly opponent, a match for any man, woman, monster, demon or God. Taught from a young age to end lives with his blade, Conan has been awesome at being a buccaneer, warrior, corsair, thief, gladiator and every other conceivable sword based career type you can mention. His sword is awesome, he killed wolves and wore there skins as a cloak, and dammit just read some Conan or watch the original movie, you wont be sorry.

SOLOMON KANE

Who said religious guys weren’t fucking badass? An ex pirate, reformed because the Devil wants his soul, Solomon becomes a Puritan hero fighting evil all around the Globe. His pirating skills obviously help a lot when you are fighting demons and monsters, and the guy can dual wield swords like a mother fucker.

INIGO MONTOYA

Anyone who’s Father dies at the hands of a six fingered man, swears revenge, and dedicates his life to the pursuit of revenge, despite there being little money in it, is alright by me. Inigo is a permed Spanish Badass, fair, yet deadly. A future Dread Pirate Roberts, Inigo is a master with a blade. His fight with The Dread Pirate Roberts, is one of the greatest fights in cinema history, and boy, what a catch phrase… Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my Father. Prepare to die!!!

ROBIN HOOD

Robin of Loxley, hero of the crusades, a noble man who fights for the common man, against the combined evil of King (Prince) John, The Sheriff of Nottingham and Guy of Guisborne. More noted as an archer, and why not he is very very good, Robin is also quite adept as a swordsman. His fight against Guy of Guisborne In The Adventures of Robin Hood, is the standard against which all subsequent sword fights should be set. The guy is a legend, even as a fox, he could wield a sword better than most humans, suck it most humans.

ARAGORN

Aragorn is a man trapped by destiny. He is destined to reclaim the throne of Gondor, but he doesn’t spend his time trying to stay alive until his time is right, he spends it fighting Orcs, Cave Trolls and Ring Wraiths. Absolute middle earth bad ass.

OBI WAN KENOBI

Ben is responsible for besting more Sith Lords than any other. He cut Darth Maul in half, sliced the shit out of his former best friend and pupil Darth Vader, and chose to become one with the force in an old age rematch. Lightsabers are cool, and for my money Obi Wan is the best at lightsabers, simple.

ACHILLES

Achilles is a killing machine, he can barely move his arm and kill you. Every move is measured and deliberate. His finishing move, the jumping lunge, is as deadly as the Leg Drop of Doom, or The F5.

MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS

General, gladiator, farmer, Father to a murdered son, Husband to a murdered wife, Maximus is a stone cold badass with a gladius. The shorter Roman sword isn’t an easy weapon to master, but Maximus, decimates the competition. Dispensing sword advice to his adversaries, throwing swords like a knife, and fighting tigers and Emperors, Maximus is the Roman equivalent of Batman. It doesn’t get any better.

NED STARK

In the land of Westeros, everyone fears Ser Jaime Lannister. Renowned as the greatest swordsman in the land, in both battle and tourney. However, there is one man, one man in Westeros, who could not give less of a fuck about Ser Jaime’s sword skills. Ned Stark, Lord of Winterfell, Hand of the King, and owner of the biggest sword this side of the Wall, is the baddest most Knightly, honourable man in the whole kingdom, and is an absolute dude with a sword. If he and Jaime ever got the chance to go at it, without interference, my money would be on Ned.

JASON

In a ship full of the greatest heroes in all of Greece, Jason alone is the man who survives a fight with 7 viscous skeletal warriors. No mean feat to fight the undead, especially since you cant stab them, or cut them. Jason is cool, even though his sword looks like a gardening implement.

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