Hollywood loves the reboot, the re-imagining, the sequel. In recent years almost every blockbuster that has emerged has been one of these, or has been seen as the start of a franchise. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this. I love sequels, as long as they are worthwhile, and I love reboots, Batman Begins was a fantastic fresh start for the Bat franchise and everything has since gone swimmingly. However, there is a trend that Hollywood seems to repeat, and this is, the unnecessary reboot or sexual. Step forward Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and especially you Amazing Spider-man, its time someone put a stop to you.
Now this is a very personal beef that I have with these two films, and I can understand if you don’t feel the same way, understand, but never forgive. Lets start with crystal skull, I’m not putting the title in upper case, it doesn’t deserve it. Now I will admit to being very excited for the new Indy adventure, but little did I know that it was as no more than a cash grab, the story was terrible and it almost tarnished three perfect films from my childhood, but it didn’t, Lucas and Spielberg didn’t rape my childhood, but they did waste a shit load of money, something we will return to later. Lets take the worst offender, the object of my geek rage, The Amazing Spider-man. In 2002, Sam Raimi directed a very good film Spider-man, the story of a boy who once bitten by a radioactive, or genetically modified spider, gain the super human ability of said arachnid. He followed this origin tale with two further films, one very good sequel, and a poor third entry that still made killer box office.
Due to critical reviews, Sony pictures decided to reboot the Spider-man franchise, and so in just under 10 years, the cinema going public will get to see two origin stories for Spider-man. This is uncalled for. By now everyone who cares knows how Spider-man became Spider-man, we get it, we know, stop wasting time re-telling the story and get on with a good film. But no, we get to see a slightly different take on Spider-man’s origin. Now don’t get me wrong, the film might be great, but the trailer looks a bit dark and depressing, but what I’m trying to get over is that the $100 odd million spent on this new film could have gone to something else, something new, or at least, something that hasn’t been tried in more than 20 years. Step forward Sasquatch…
There have been many Bigfoot and Yeti films over the years, but all bar one share a commonality, they are all low-budget B movies that are never really satisfying. The suits are awful, the acting sub-par and the whole thing comes across as disappointing. The exception obviously is our friend Harry above. Harry and the Hendersons is a fantastic film. I loved it when I was young and I think it is down to it and a few books on unexplained mysteries, that I love Bigfoot to this day. The film s high budget, the suit looks amazing, unequalled to this day, and the acting is great, because great actors were in it. However, there is something about it that doesn’t quite sit right with an older me. Harry is adorable and the film is a funtastic ride to jolly town, but guess what? I want a companion piece. I want a scary fall into the horror ravine, and I want to be pushed over the edge by a big budget, scary ass Bigfoot. The world is crying out for a great scary Bigfoot movie. How do I know this? Well I bet I’ve seen more films about Bigfoot than most people knew existed, and I don’t say this to boast, only an idiot would boast about that when he had to endure some of the shit I’ve sat through. I say this because, there is clearly a market for scary films about Bigfoot, so now, someone needs to stop making shitty reboots and sequels, and front up the money for a great Sasquatch movie. Lets look at some of the films that have come before…
Sasquatch Films that are Rubbish…
I have seen many bad Sasquatch films, these include, but are not limited to;
The Snow Creature (W Lee Wilder, 1954)
Shriek of the Mutilated (Michael Findlay, 1974)
The Capture of Bigfoot (Bill Rebane, 1979)
I will not review these films but they are all terrible, acting, beast suit everything a complete waste of time.
Sasquatch Films that are OK…
Snowbeast (Herb Wallerstein, 1977, TV movie)
The Legend of Boggy Creek (Charles B Pierce, 1973)
Clawed: The Legend of Sasquatch (2005)
These films are OK if you’re in the mood and like shitty horror films, maybe.
Sasquatch Films that are Decent to Good…
Harry and the Hendersons/Bigfoot and the Hendersons (William Dear, 1987)
The Abominable Snowman/The Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas (Val Guest, 1957, UK)
These films are worth seeing and are actually quite good.
OK so we have established that Bigfoot films are popular with some sort of audience and that there is room for a high budget take on the Sasquatch legend that isn’t a cute comedy, and will scare the bejeezus out of people. Some more evidence? Horror is big business, look at Paranormal Activity and Saw, audiences lap up horror movies. Also, Bigfoot is a recognisable character in pop culture, that no one actually owns the rights to, this means anyone can make a film about him, and it has the potential to be successful. OK, how though? How is a Bigfoot film going to make it worthwhile for an audience and a studio? Well it just so happens that I have come up with three solid gold concepts. Ready children? Then I shall begin…
Concept 1) Bigfoot the slasher, or Scream for Bigfoot
OK simple enough premise. Sexy teens go into the woods for summer camp/spring break, and disturb something in the woods they shouldn’t. Get Kevin Williamson to write the script, known good-looking actors and spend money on the creature, a post modern Bigfoot hit is likely to follow. Easy.
Concept 2) Bigfoot the found footage film.
This will take the style and story of The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity films, and feature a documentary crew who venture out into the woods making a documentary on a logging company. A year later their footage is found, but they are not, guess who they pissed off?
Concept 3) The Historical Bigfoot epic
I must admit this is a bit of a favourite of mine and I’ve had this idea in mind for a few years now. Colonial America. As the French and British fight over who controls the new world a small settlement is set up on the boarders of a dense forest. Indian Legends say that something they fear to name lives in these dense woods, they so fear it that they dare not live within miles of the forest. The settlement grows and builds a fort, in preparation for the winter months and everything seems normal, except a few members of hunting parties never return. The leaders put this down to desertion or Indian War parties, that is until winter draws in and the real culprits are revealed. Can the Fort hold out until the early spring when the mountain passes open and fresh troops can arrive with supplies? Or will the Sasquatch get their terrible revenge for the disturbance of their habitat?
So there we are. That’s how Bigfoot can save Hollywood from an endless stream of reboots and shitty sequels. Right, who’s gona stump up $300 million so I can do concept three justice? Anyone…