All Geek To Me

Pure Geekness

Archive for the tag “quint”

Geek Olympics: Round 2: Events of an Aquatic Nature

By @hmsbeefnuts

 

It was with some trepidation that I decided to start writing a second Geek Olympics article, for the first one was a bit of a marathon in its own right. However, I thought a more slimmed down version would a) not be so arduous to write, and b) be a hell of a lot easier to read. As such then, I will present a few events per article, and not go into such details, because as with sport, the only real information anyone needs is the result. On with the sports.

 

FISHING

 

I don’t know if fishing is a sport or not, seems really boring to me, but then, that’s how I feel about most sports, so I guess it could be. It is included here as an added event to an aquatic themed round of our Geek Olympics. The field of competition is quite sparse for this event as there are only 3 competitors, Bubba, from Forrest Gump, Quint, from JAWS, and Link from The Legend of Zelda series. As this is an exciting event, the fish species chosen for the fishing is Megaladon, an ancient and gigantic species of Great White Shark.

This obviously puts Link and Bubba at an extreme disadvantage, and Bubba is almost instantly killed by the great monster. Link lasts a little longer, in part thanks to his skilled use of a hook-shot and boomerang, but in the end, experience and obsession wins the day. Quint sticks seventeen barrels in the leviathan and starts to tow the beast in, the taxidermy man is going to have a heart attack when he sees what Quint brought him. Gold Medal Winner Quint. Link lives to fight another day. Bubba is buried at sea. On to the next event!!

 

SAILING

 

My games, my rules, and this means that any competitor who has previously died, can come back to life (from the use of Ras Al Ghul’s Lazarus Pits or something). Thus in the sailing, Cpt. Jack Sparrow is back, alongside Link, Argus (the Argonaut), and The Dread Pirate Roberts. The sailing takes place on a course filled with shrieking eels, sea monsters, and of course, the mighty Kraken. Sails are set, and a mighty conch shell is sounded, it’s time to race! The Black Pearl, The Argo, The King of Red Lions and The Revenge take it in turns to trade the lead back and forth. Link, once again at a disadvantage due to his smaller boat, gets taken out early by a swarm of shrieking eels, better luck next time little guy. The Black Pearl and The Revenge take a strong lead, due mainly to the fact they have more sails than The Argo, however, the race is not done yet.

 

As they reach the half way point, The Argo is suddenly lifted into the air by mighty hands, it seems Posiedon has taken pity on the crew of the Argo, and sweeping both The Pearl and The Revenge away with his other hand, he places The Argo firmly in the lead. With a mighty blow of wind, The Argo crosses the finish line first, The Pearl, a close second is hampered by some Kraken trouble, Whilst The Revenge cuts its losses and makes it’s way back to Florin for repairs. Gold Medal Winner, The Argo!!! NEXT!!

 

SWIMMING

The big one, in aquatic terms anyway.  A straight up freestyle swimming race in a standard Olympic pool, nothing fancy here, except the competitors of course. The line up looks spectacular, Aquaman, Namor The Submariner, Tarzan, Merman (from He-Man), Super Mario, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Excitement is at a fever pitch as the race is about to begin, that is until Aquaman and Namor have a bit of a disagreement about who is the real King of Atlantis. A fist fight breaks out, Green Lantern Corps security is called in, and both are disqualified. This leaves the field, or pool, very much open.

The race starts and the remaining competitors leap into the water. Creature and Merman take an early lead with Tarzan in third and portly Mario bringing up the rear. That is, and perhaps unsurprisingly by the way all these other races etc. have gone, Mario, in last place does something that we can not condone here at All Geek To Me. Mario reaches into his pocket, pulls out a power star, and the rest, as they say, is history. He speeds to the front, flashing all the way, and wins easily. Gold Medal Winner Mario!! In the drug testing afterwards however, Mario is disqualified as his urine is found to have copious amounts of illegal mushrooms in it. When added to the Star Man, it is clear that Mario is a dirty drug cheat. Stripped of the title, the Gold Medal goes to second place The Creature From The Black Lagoon. It is a dark day for the Geek Olympics…

 

On that note, this round comes to a close, see you next time sports fans.

Remake: JAWS

 By @hmsbeefnuts

Eons ago now, I wrote an article about re-making Ghostbusters for a new generation, basically re-casting the classic roles. In no way was I saying that the movie should be re-made, it should not, ever, but it was a fun exercise none the less, well I thought it was. So I thought I would continue my series of imagined re-makes with one of my personal favourite films of all time, JAWS. If anyone actually tried to re-make it in real life I think I would shit a brick, a literal brick, but they aren’t going to, and this is imaginary, so on with the fun!

Chief Martin Brody O.P.B. Roy Scheider

Brody is a tough character to cast. Scheider is so good in the role, bringing every-man charm to our protagonist. Someone then we can route for and like, but still convey Brody’s mortal fear of water. May I suggest Hugh Jackman? OK, so he would have to lose some of that Wolverine physique, but Jackman is one of the most likeable actors in Hollywood. I think he can play every-man, he can play superhero,Wolverine, and loser, Real Steel. I can see Jackman crouched on the sinking Orca as the shark comes towards him, ‘Smile you son of a bitch!’.

Quint O.P.B Robert Shaw

Quint is one of the greatest characters ever created in my view. He is amazing. As such, there are few actors who could bring Quint alive as well as Robert Shaw. My pick for this most awesome of roles goes to Russell Crowe. No stranger to life aboard a ship, check out Master and Commander, Big Russ could bring a great deal to the role of the salty sea dog. I bet he could give a killer U.S.S. Indianapolis speech. Would he be as good? I have trouble thinking anyone could replace Shaw, but if anyone could, then maybe, just maybe Maximus Decimus Meridius could, maybe.

Matt Hooper O.P.B. Richard Dreyfuss

Rounding out our trio of shark hunting heroes, Matt Hooper from the Oceanographic Institute. Younger, rich, an expert on sharks, Dreyfuss was again perfect in the role. Why am I racking my brains to try and recast this perfectly cast film? Well I can’t stop now, so I’m going for Ryan Reynolds. Handsome and at home with both comedy and more serious roles, casting Ryan Reynolds could allow for the remake to include parts of the novel that Spielberg didn’t choose to film. For example, in the novel Ellen Brody and Hooper have thought about an affair, a nice little side story that would work well with Reynolds.

Ellen Brody O.P.B. Lorraine Gary

Ellen Brody, at least in my mind, should be smart, sexy, a good mum and a strong woman. If we are going to go with the added plot point of a possible affair with Matt Hooper, she should also be drop dead gorgeous. May I suggest, Charlize Theron. A great actress and a stunning beauty, Ms. Theron would fit the bill exactly.

Mayor Larry Vaughan O.P.B. Murray Hamilton

I don’t know why, but the first name that came to mind when I thought about who to cast as Mayor Vaughan was Morgan Freeman, and the more I think about it, the more I like it. Freeman is obviously a great actor, and does extremely well in small, but important roles (see Nolan’s Batman franchise). Freeman can play pompous well, but can also do remorse and worry. Morgan Freeman is in my mind, a great choice for Mayor Vaughan.

Mrs. Kitner O.P.B. Lee Fierro

A figure of sympathy, pain and remorse, she has two big scenes and as such needs to be able to handle the emotions of losing her son to that bastard shark. For no other reason than I really fancy her, I would cast Kate Beckinsale. She is also a great actress, but I mainly fancy her.

Alex Kitner O.P.B. Jeffrey Voorhees

Another small role, but I hate when kids can’t act and ruin films. Kitner needs to be played by a smart kid who can act and I would like to suggest Brandon Stark himself, Isaac Hempstead Wright. A great actor and the beginning of his movie career.

Ben Gardner O.P.B. Craig Kingsbury

A tiny tiny role. Basically only a head is needed for THAT shocking moment. Can I suggest Paul Giamatti? If you have read my stuff before, you know why.

Chrissie Watkins O.P.B. Susan Backlinie

A tiny, but pivotal role, Chrissie Watkins is basically victim number 1, but her death is shocking and meaningful, and should resonate for the rest of the film. I’m imagining a bit of Scream style stunt casting, where a well known actress buys the farm early on. Watkins is a teenager, should be good looking, with the possibility of some nudity, she does die skinny dipping after all. My choice would be Jennifer Lawrence. She is Hollywood’s next big thing, and suitably famous after X-Men First Class and The Hunger Games. Her death would be shocking enough that the film would make a bold statement.

So those are my picks, and remember, in no way do I want this film to be remade, IT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. But this has been a fun exercise, at least for me, and I hope you have enjoyed it too. Did I make any glaring errors? Would you pick different actors? Let us know below.

Post Navigation