All Geek To Me

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All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics: Fencing

By @hmsbeefnuts

I don’t know about you, but for months, if not years, I have been fed up with all this Olympic nonsense. I get it, it’s cool that the lesser sports get a great big competition to see who is the best, but by Zeus, I find it incredibly boring. There are some bright spots though. Fencing, wrestling, boxing, javelin etc. are all cool events, it’s just that all the stupid rules get in the way of me having a good time. It was then with a slightly mischievous glint in my rolling eyes, that I decided to pick a few choice Olympic sports and hold a Geek Character Olympic games, a far more interesting prospect than the real boring ones that are currently on going. All characters and real people are eligible to enter the Geek Olympics, and a few interesting (hopefully) events will take place. Oh and there can be only one, so no silver, no bronze, just gold, the Geek Olympics have no place for losers.


I have organised this celebration of awesome physical feats, and as such, I get to pick the acts for the opening ceremony. So here goes. We start things off nice and folksy with a performance by Flight of the Conchords, as everyone has a gentle introduction to the madness that is to come. A few toe tapping songs later, and our next act comes to the stage, The Lonely Island. The boys, joined by Mr Timberlake rock the stadium as a Human Torch relay is taking place. Johnny Storm is carried around the stadium by all the participants. Finally, as The Lonely Island’s set comes to an end, The Hulk carries the Human Torch up the steps of a gigantic platform and throws him at the Geek Olympic symbol, setting it on fire. We are almost ready. Just time for our last and best act, Tenacious D rock the crowds socks off with a storming set as some dragons do a fly by and a firework display, provided courtesy of V and Gandalf lights up the sky. With the ceremony over, it is time for our first events.


Our contenders for the fencing gold medal are, Robin Hood (Errol Flynn Version), Inigo Montoya, Count Dooku, Syrio Forel, Ezio Auditore, Captain Jack Sparrow, Colin McCloud and Zorro. McCloud faces Montoya in heat 1. There can be only one, but Montoya knows something McCloud doesn’t, Inigo isn’t left handed, Montoya goes through easily with a killing swipe that takes the Highlanders head. Heat 2 Cpt. Jack faces up to the dancing teacher himself, Syrio Forel. Both unique individuals, this heat goes on for a while, with Jack’s unusual ‘drunken’ style making a fool out of the former First Sword of Braavos. Back and for the match goes, until Jack is distracted by the glint of the Gold medal, displayed near the arena, Forel, lunges, Jack falls, and Forel is through to the next round.

Robin Hood and the devious Count Dooku face each other next, Dooku is forced to use a formal sword, no lightsabres here. Unused to the extra weight, and due to the fact he is old as shit, Robin Hood easily overcomes him, a cut to the hand makes Dooku drop his sword, and with a slap of the tights, Robin of Loxley is through to the next round. Heat 4 has Ezio Auditore, master Assassin, and Zorro cross rapiers. But before the match can start, Ezio goes to shake hands, as Zorro reaches out, Ezio unleashes his hidden blade, one swift jump kill later, and Zorro is no more. On to the Semi- Finals!!!

Inigo Montoya draws Ezio Auditore, and after what happened to Zorro, Montoya is taking no chances. The match starts and Inigo begins his first attack, Ezio is dodging, trying to get away, but Inigo is able to keep up. Steel clashes on steel, and minutes pass without a break in the deadlock. But then Inigo has a thought; ‘You wouldn’t happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand?’, Inigo asks Ezio, confused by the question, Ezio drops his guard, only for Inigo to stab the Italian Assassin to death. Inigo through to the final. That leaves Syrio Forel and Robin Hood, in semi-final 2. Robin is having a great time, laughing and joking with the crowd, and laughing at Syrio and his dancing style. Not being taken seriously annoys the Braavosi and he flings himself at Hood. All of a sudden silver flashes and metallic clashes ring out with renewed fury. Syrio over stretches, Robin slaps Syrio’s arse with his sword, a fatal mistake, Syrio launches his sword behind him, straight into the laughing face of Hood. Lesson? Always take sword fights seriously!!

OK its time for the first final, the big one, the Gold Medal contest between Syrio Forel and Inigo Montoya. The final takes place in a ruined castle, stair cases, rocks and chandeliers. Its going to be good. Both men are pretty evenly matched, masters of many different styles. Both men walk to the centre, salute each other with their swords and then… en guarde!!! A flurry of sword strikes is almost blindingly hard to see. The crowd is on edge as the fight goes back and forth, up stairs, down stairs, swinging on the chandeliers and the exact cutting of conveniently placed candles. It seems the Braavosi and the Spaniard are an even match, even the left handed/right handed trick doesn’t work, both men have studied there fencing well. For four hours both men put on a show that puts all other contests to shame. However, it all comes down to conditioning, and Inigo is a younger man than the retired First Sword of Braavos, a trip over a lose step, put Forel on his front, defenceless. Inigo draws his sword to the throat of the downed man. But something stops him from striking; ‘I would sooner destroy a work of art than a master like yourself, yield to me.’ Syrio agrees, the Inigo helps Syrio up, and the two men hug it out. Winner Inigo Montoya.

That’s it for this time, there will be more events coming, and hopefully you will stick around to see what happens? Until next time…

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