TOP TOYS: PART ONE

By @hmsbeefnuts

I loved toys when I was a kid, that may not be a shocking statement, but it is a true one. I love toys now if I’m honest, I just don’t buy them any more, but that doesn’t stop me looking. The recent Avengers buzz I was experiencing made me want to check out some of the toys that tie in with the movie. Off I went to Toys R Us, and other toy shops, and bizarrely supermarkets, to check out the toys that today’s kids are into. It was a massively fun exercise. Toys R Us was always my favourite shop when I was little, that and Forbidden Planet, and to be honest, that hasn’t changed. Toy shops sell fun, and there aren’t many more noble causes than fun, even if toys seem to be selling at extortionate prices these days. I thought I would look back at some of my favourite toys from my childhood, and hopefully Google Image Search will be able to provide some great pictures, for unfortunately, I don’t own any of these any more. Lets see what I decide to pick shall we?

WWF

The wrestling figures of my youth are a pale comparison to the amazing fully articulated representation of modern WWE Superstars. But I loved them never the less. I have talked about my Macho Man Figure before, and he was my favourite of the figures I owned. I had the ring, and spent many happy hours bashing them together, reliving Wrestlemanias and Summerslams. These were great toys.

TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES

To say I was obsessed with TMHT, is something of an understatement. Of course, the toys were worth their weight in pizza. My Dad valiantly waited outside of Woolworths and Toys R Us at some ungodly hour of the morning to secure my Brother and I the fab foursome. I also remember having some very cheap knock offs for a time, before finally getting my hands on them. My favourite, Michelangelo of course. I also was lucky enough to get the sewer play-set, and the blimp, which was simply one of the greatest things I ever owned.

DINO-RIDERS

Every kid loves Dinosaurs. What could be better? How about Dinosaurs that have gigantic guns and other weapons strapped to them, so that two alien species could battle it out on planet Earth? Yeah I thought so. Dino-riders were so cool. They were really nice sculpts of the Dinosaurs, and also the bigger ones could walk!! I remember my Grandmother being quite freaked out by them on Christmas morning. My favourite was the massive T-Rex, or the Dienonychus (a much better Raptor). I wish I had these in mint condition. The video that came with the toys had the greatest toy adverts ever, I could watch them constantly. How come toy adverts always make the toys look amazing? Why couldn’t I have a scale model jungle for my Dino-Riders? Sometimes, life ain’t fair.

TRANSFORMERS

It still amazes me that the cars, planes, trucks and Dinosaurs, turned into robots! What a great idea. My first transformer was Optimus Prime, the G1 original with trailer. So cool. My favourite was Grimlock, a robot that turned into a T-Rex!! Oh hell yeah, best thing ever? Close. I also owned Transformer knock offs, The Go-Bots, and Rock Lords. I don’t see why a robot turning into a rock was so cool, but I thought they were, and had quite a few of them for some reason. They were nothing compared to Transformers though.

GHOSTBUSTERS

Who ya gona call? The Ghostbuster cartoon was the source of the toys for this next entry. The toys were not very well articulated, but they were decent sculpts of the cartoon forms of Peter, Ray, Egon and Winston. The ghosts were the cool things in this series of toys, with transforming figures that turned into ghosts, and amazing cups of slime that came with many figures. The coolest toys, however, were the replica proton packs and traps. I can remember running around a friends house with his pack strapped to my back pretending to bust some heads, in a spiritual sense. Awesome. Busting literally made me feel good.

Here our nostalgic look back must end, but look out for part two, coming real soon, where we will look at a mild mannered Prince, who becomes a barbarian super man, a toy that can be literally anything, more transforming vehicles, and many more. Catch you next time, I’m off to Toys R Us, for research purposes only you understand…

A Happy Mothers Day, Here are 5 Bad Parents and 5 Good Parents in Honour Of All Geeky Mums Everywhere

By Hmsbeefnuts

It’s Mother’s Day again, so instead of our usual look at the trivia of a geeky thing, today we will be looking at some of geek cultures best and worst parents. It was going to be Best and Worst Mothers, but damn, it was hard to think of 5 positive and 5 negative examples of Mothers. We had to expand the list to include Fathers as well. I don’t know if it’s the kind of movies I watch, but women defiantly need some good or bad Mother roles! Come on Hollywood, sort it out. This post is dedicated to all our Mums, and all Mums everywhere who have encouraged our geekyness. We LOVE YOU Mums!!! Now without further ado, on with the list…

5 GOOD PARENTS

Thomas Wayne

The Father of one Bruce Wayne. This guy was so loved by his son that after he was brutally shot in front of his son, Bruce vowed his life to not only vengeance, but to making sure that no one would ever have to go through what he did again. Bruce loved his Father so much that he dresses as a giant bat and swoops over Gotham City scaring the crap out of people. Thomas was such a decent Dad that he left his faithful retainer Alfred in charge of Bruce in the case of him and his wife’s death. Also leaving his bereaved son with a huge fortune, so huge in fact that his son can afford all those wonderful toys. The guy must have been awesome, he is Batman’s Dad.

Police Chief Martin Brody

Martin Brody is a man with a mortal fear. He hates water, and is terrified of being drowned. He is Police Chief in a little town called Amity. A little town that is being menaced by a bloody huge Great White Shark. Chief Brody hates water. Sharks live in water. Brody decides he must do something, but must stay on land. That is until the shark decides to fuck with Brody’s family. The shark picked on the wrong kid to swim past and almost eat. Brody loves his kids so much, he does the one thing that he hates the most, gets on a boat, to kill that mother flipping shark. What a guy. Oh and he manages to kill the son of a bitch too. Lesson? Don’t fuck with Brody’s kids.

Martha Kent

How many of us would adopt a baby who we found in a huge meteor crater? A baby with amazing super powers? OK well probably most of us. But how many of us could make this Super human baby into one of the nicest and gentlest men on the planet? It would be mega hard not to let his power take over his personality, it would be so easy for Superman, to become Megadick. The fact that he fights for truth, justice and the American way, is testament to the powers of Martha Kent (and her husband), as truly great parents. I know if I had super powers, it would be all too easy for me to exploit them. I wouldn’t of course, because my Mum brought me up right, and she is awesome. The world owes Martha Kent a debt of gratitude, if not for her, Kal-El could have been the worst thing to happen to Earth, instead of one of the best.

Splinter

OK he’s a rat. Doesn’t mean he’s not an awesome Step-Dad. Splinter is the kind of Dad who doesn’t really exist in real life, being a huge mutated rat and all. The Dad who adopts four children from a different species and brings them up as his own. Oh, and teaches them to be awesome ninjas. OK, so 5ft rats don’t exist, and a rat would probably kill and eat four helpless Turtles anyway, but doesn’t this just prove what a great Dad Splinter is. I love my Dad, he is brilliant, but he only taught me maths (he was a maths teacher) not ninjitsu, and I think you’ll agree that ninjitsu is way cooler than maths. Not only does he take in these turtles, he doesn’t get rid of them when he realises they are freaks who have been dumped in mutagen, what a guy. He also gives them awesome renaissance names and teaches them discipline and respect. Maybe we should put some of those reprobates involved in last years riots in the care of giant mutated rats, teach them some respect. Splinter is awesome.

Ripley

There are very few bad ass Mums in this world, or any other, so Ripley deserves special mention. Once again we have a case of adoption, but there are very few people ever, who would fight a big huge fuck off Alien Queen, in order to save the life of a small child she had barely met. OK so she left a real daughter millions of miles away on Earth, but she was just trying to make a living, a better life for her family, and anyone willing to go into space for years on end in such a depressing way has to love her kids loads and loads, or really hate them… Hmm. I’m gona say that she really loves them. Newt is clearly a replacement for her Earth daughter, but that’s OK, she still really cares for her, and as I said before, if your willing to go toe to toe with a 20ft. Alien Bitch Queen, then in my book, you are at least in the running for Parent of the Year.

5 REALLY BAD PARENTS

Shmi Skywalker

In the category of bad Mums, Shmi Skywalker takes first prize. Now first of all, she is such a bad Mother that she doesn’t even know who her sons Father is, and makes up a ludicrous story that he was conceived by magic. Yeah right. She was probably slagging it all over Tatooine and the kids Dad could have been any number of scum or villainy in the rat hole that is that stinking Dessert planet. OK, so she wouldn’t win any prizes for being a good Mum, but fairs fair, she kept her son alive until he’s like 9, not too shabby since she hasn’t got a proper job or anything. But wait. One day a bearded man arrives at her house, claiming to be a warrior and a magician. He thinks her son, Anakin, is special, and wants to take him away to another planet so he can run some tests and such on the little boy. So far so Catholic Priest. The shocking thing is, Shmi allows this intergalactic weirdo to take her son away, to Yoda knows where, to become the test subject of an ancient religious order. Doesn’t sound too good to me. She has know ‘Qui Gon Jin’ for all of a few hours before she is off loading her magic baby in to his care. Nice one Shmi. Is it any wonder things didn’t go quite to plan with young Anakin’s training? Just how off plan we shall see below…

Anakin Skywalker

Anakin Skywalker, or Darth Vader if you prefer, is a mega jerk. Flying around the galaxy destroying Jedi, enslaving planets and destroying everyone’s faith in a secular life. The guy is just bad news, like a headache at Disneyworld. It could be argued it isn’t his fault, after all his Mother was an irresponsible fool, however, being the second most hated man in the Galaxy has to make you a bad Dad. The fact he thinks his kids are dead, even though he is the strongest Force user in the universe is poor form indeed. The fact that one of them is hidden on his home planet, with relatives of his, who share his last name is insane. Just shows he doesn’t care enough. Once he does know of his kids survival, he tries to enlist him into the Galactic Empire of Douchebags, then tries to kill his him. Not good parenting, Super Nanny would be having a nervous breakdown, if she saw all this going on.

Jor – El

It could be argued that Jor-El is a great Dad. That sending a tiny baby half way across the known universe to an unknown fate, was a sensible thing to do, considering his planet was being destroyed. But I say this to you, why didn’t he and his wife go with little Kal-El. I refuse to believe that he couldn’t have built a three seater spaceship. Hell if he wanted to go down with the sinking planet like some prideful sea captain, let the women and children go, send his wife as well, but no, selfish. He sends his little boy to a strange planet that’s proximity to a yellow sun will allow his child super powers, irresponsible if you ask me, what if the Kent’s hadn’t found little Kal-El? Jor-El was an idiot, and it was lucky that it turned out quite well.

Charlie Kenton out of Reel Steel

This guy, a failed boxer and Father, literally sells his son. Set in the not too distant future, like 10 years at most, and the dude SELLS his son, after his estranged wife dies. This guy is a jerk of the highest standards for about 40 mins of this film. He then learns valuable lessons and becomes an awesome Dad. But the fact remains, he sells his son. That is a pretty shitty thing to do. Oh, giant robots are also in this excellent movie. Check it out.

Evil Queen in Snow White

The wickedest of the wicked. Jealous of her step daughters beauty, the wicked queen tries to murder her, twice. Not good parenting. Plus, fruit should be something that a child wants to eat, poisoned fruit does not fully conform to government regulations, and leaving it around the castle is just a very bad idea. A vain murderess should not be in charge of children. They should however be on some sort of list.