Team Beefnuts Vs. KirkieGem Super Squad FIGHT!!!
Hello fight fans and welcome to the ultimate showdown between the recently formed Super teams, hand picked by Kirkie Chick & Geeky Gem, and Myself. Literally minutes were spent choosing these members, sometimes up to ten, so you know that these guys and gals are the crème de la crème of geeky heroes. But who is the best? Who will win the day when they are pitted against each other? Fights are to the death, or in the case of certain characters who shy away from killing, until their opponent is busted up beyond all recognition.
In many cases, this will be the first meeting between the combatants, friends will sit by as they watch their colleagues die at the hands of team members. Age is no barrier, if your old enough to be picked, your old enough to get your ass handed to you. Now not all fights will be fair, some will be two on one, or three on two, but that’s just the way it is. So without further ado, may I present to you, the First Annual Geek Beat Down, Sponsored by All Geek To Me, in association with my imagination.
Alexander the Great Vs. Leonidas
Two of the greatest generals of the ancient world, brought together to have a rumble in modern times. Choosing their specific weapon set, seems unfair, as Alexander liked a good old cavalry charge, so its down to a fist fight, man vs man. At first Alexander seems a little in awe of the man who was already a legend before Alexander was born, but then he remembers that he is the son of Zeus, and kicked the Persians square in the nuts, whilst Leonidas, ummm, didn’t quite manage that.
Leonidas, unfased by anyone, stands tall, and looks around for the nearest well. Alexander, a master of strategy, sees Leonidas distracted by the lack of water holes, and launches the first attack, punches to the face, and body, knocking Leonidas down. ‘I AM SPAAARTAAAAN!!’, he shouts, as he leaps back to his feet, giving Alexander a monstrous kick to the balls. It soon becomes clear that a winner will not easily be discovered, back and fourth for days, the fight goes on, neither giving up, neither finding a killer blow. During a short break, the two men get to talking about how much ass they handed back to the Persians. Leonidas listens in awe as Alexander tells of how he brought the hated Persians to their knees, and Alex, listens again to how Leonidas, stopped an army of 150,000 men with 300 Spartans. A draw is declared, as both men walk off discussing the less manly pursuits of the hated Athenians.
However, as they walk away, Leonidas spots a large sewer grate that has been left open, he can not resist… ‘THIS IS SPAAARTAAAA!!!’, he yells, as taken by surprise, Alexander tumbles to his doom. Leonidas walks away, secure in the knowledge that he was and is the greatest general of the ancient world. However, he did not count on the never give up attitude of Alexander, who’s broken ankles do not stop him from climbing the sheer walls of the sewer, and crawling after Leonidas. Alexander trip the Spartan, and pulling off his own foot, stabs Leonidas repeatedly with his bloody stump. Winner, Alexander, although he later dies of blood loss.
The Batman Vs. Patrick Bateman
A new terror stalks the prostitutes of Gotham City. A serial killer of cunning and brutal evil. High above the city streets, The Dark Knight stalks the stalker. After weeks of hard detective work, The Batman has tracked his prey to Gotham’s Financial District. Patrick Bateman, recently moved to Gotham, walks into his spacious apartment building, to find his penthouse balcony doors open. He reaches for a handy chainsaw, but his hand is stopped by a sharp metal Batarang. ‘You’re scum Bateman, and in my town, scum has to pay the price’, Batman growls, jumping from the darkness. Knocking Patrick down, Batman crouches over him, ready to punch some sense into the maniac. But suddenly The Caped Crusader stops…. he realises that the man in front of him, the man he has been stalking…looks exactly like him, distracted by his own face staring back at him, Bateman takes advantage of The Bats confusion and hits him over the head with a nearby pot.
Dazed, the Dark Knight holds his head, still confused at how he can be fighting a man who looks exactly like him. Patrick uses his time wisely, stripping naked, he rushes over to his Hi-Fi system and puts on Huey Lewis and the News, fighting music. Again reaching for his trusty Chainsaw, he advances on Batman with a crazed look in his eye, singing ‘Back in Time’. Batman dodges the first crazed flail of the deadly blade, suddenly coming to his senses. Realising he is probably suffering from some Scarecrow fear gas, or some trick by the Joker, Batman puts his doubts aside, and decides that the best action is to beat the living shit out of his crazed Doppelgänger. Dodging another wild slice, Batman kicks The American Psycho hard in the face, throws another batarang at his chainsaw arm, making the 80’s menace drop it again, and lays into his mirror image face with painful punches. A few POWS! KERR-ACKS! And ZAPS! Later, and Bateman has been taken care of. Tieing him up and throwing Patrick over his balcony, The Batman leaves his evil twin hanging for Gotham’s Finest to pick up. Before he leaves, The Dark Knight fires explosive Gel at the Hi-Fi, he was always more of a Prince fan.
Deadpool Vs. Tony Stark & Johnny English
Deadpool has been hired to take out one of the British Governments Top Agents, James Bond. He tracks 007 to a Swiss Hotel where Bond is attending a conference of the Worlds Weapons Manufactures. Including C.E.O. Of Stark Industries, one Tony Stark. Deadpool surprises Bond in the swimming pool, and after a titanic struggle, including a sword fight, fist fight, and some serious name calling and quipping, Bond shoots the Merc with a Mouth, dead, in the head. Making a pithy remark Bond carries on his day. However, Deadpool’s healing factor kicks in and without further ado, stabs Bond to death, in the back, with both his Katanas. Thinking he has completed his contract, he figures he can catch some down time and go sightseeing. Little does he know that from the shadows, another British Agent has seen Bond being killed, Johnny English.
Not being the most competent agent, Johnny stumbles into the Hotel lobby, and right into Mr. Tony Stark. Babbling like a small child, English finally manages to tell Stark what has happened. Tony, runs to his P.A. Pepper Potts and gets her to give him his special briefcase. Three minutes later Iron Man is flying above the Swiss streets, carrying the cowardly British Agent, trying to spot, Bonds Killer. They spot a strange man having a conversation with himself on a nearby rooftop, and land surprising Deadpool. Stark asks him to come quietly, but Deadpool pulls out an arsenal of weapons splattering Iron Man with bullets and rockets. Not expecting it, and being in his lightweight armour, Stark falls back to find cover, however, Deadpool, flips and somersaults and is on him before he can react, driving his sword through Iron Man’s armour and piercing his blue power source. A small explosion kills Stark outright, and injures Deadpool. In the debris, Johnny English, now terrified beyond rational thought tries to run away, Deadpool spots him, and throws a small thermo nuclear device at the bumbling spy. Johnny turns, semi-catches it, and now juggling the deadly grenade, trips over his own shoe laces and launches the grenade back at Deadpool, who’s back is turned, retrieving his sword from Iron Man’s chest. In the split second that he hears a strange clunk behind him, he has time to turn, and see, Johnny English trip off the roof, and the flash of the grenade. Deadpool is obliterated, his healing powers useless. Johnny English lands in a truck full of mattresses, and walks away with a twisted ankle.
Howling Mad Murdock Vs. Dominic Toreeto
A fight seems a little out of character for Murdock, so he challenges the bald tough man to a race, in vehicles of their choice. Dom obviously chooses his custom set of wheels, what else? Murdock, goes for something a little more exotic. Taking a note out of his good friend Hannibal’s book, Murdock goes into a garage, and starts welding a vehicular monstrosity.
Seven hours later, although for Murdock, the time slips by in a funky montage, and Murdoch completes his creation. Unfortunately, Dom has already won the race, seven hours ago, and clocked up another victory for team Geeky Gem/Kirkie Chick.
Indiana Jones & Dana Scully Vs. Hellboy & Hannibal Smith
Alexander the Great sends out Indy and Scully to investigate a strange energy source emanating from a Museum in Romania. Cut to a map of the world, and a red line travelling from Washington to England, to Romania. As they disembark from the plane, they wave Murdock goodbye, and make their way to the old castle on the hill in front of them. ‘The energy readings are off the map, Indy, what could be in their?’, Scully says worried. ‘Fortune and glory Kid. Fortune and glory’. The draw bridge is up, so in the eerie light f a full moon, Dr. Jones uses his bull whip to cross the moat, he and Scully swinging over the murky water. Finding a side entrance, they make their way into the main hall of the castle, and bump right into a huge red demon and an old Vietnam Vet. Thinking that the Demon is responsible for the energy reading, Indy and Scully both pull their side arms and start shooting. The demon, pulls the biggest handgun either of them has ever seen, and the old man, start shooting wildly with an automatic rifle, hitting nothing in particular.
From behind cover Indy shouts that they are looking for the source of the energy readings and that the demon should stop if he knows what’s good for him, ‘I’ve beaten the Nazi’s twice!’, yells Indy. ‘Twice? Is that all pal?’, responds the Big Red Brute, ‘I’ve been fighting Nazi’s since I was born’. This brings the fire fight to an end and both sides realise that they are actually on the same side, both are looking for the source of the energy. Scully refuses to believe that Hellboy isn’t a crazy guy in a suit, Hannibal assures her that he has some experience in this sort of thing and that Hellboy is no dude in a suit. Hellboy and Indy start to exchange old war stories and seem to be becoming firm friends. However, something from the basement rumbles, and hundreds of feet are heard running upwards towards the main hall. The four heroes stop and find cover as a door bursts open and hundreds of vampires burst through it. Scully doesn’t believe in vampires, and starts shooting them, but to no avail. ‘Here, try these’, yells Hellboy as he passes his companions silver and willow bullets. The four begin to take out the vampires far more efficiently, and after twenty minutes, all the undead, are now just dead, again. ‘I love it when a plan comes together!’, Hannibal says with a wink. Indy and Hellboy make their way to the nearest bar, Scully and Hannibal find the nearest hotel and book rooms, it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship. As Hannibal lights a huge cigar, Scully realises she may have to re-evaluate her entire life. Indy and Hellboy promise to keep in touch, an agree that the two agencies who brought them together are ‘Bureaucratic fools’.
Red Sonja & Battle Cat Vs. Jean Grey, Hit Girl & Pan
Hit Girl and Pan are playing in a secluded meadow, when Red Sonja astride Battle Cat disturb them. Battle cat eats Hit Girl in one swift motion, without even the time for her to utter an expletive. Pan is distraught, and now little more than a ferrety dessert for the mighty Battle Cat. Jean Grey who has been monitoring events from afar, swoops into action, and a battle of the Red Heads commences.
Being far more powerful than Red Sonja, who assumes that Jean Grey’s mutant powers are witchcraft, Jean Grey soon takes control of things, firing all her mind powers at the Hyborian Heroine. Battle Cat, still sleepy after a large meal, can not lend a hand to his new owner, things are looking bad for She Devil with a Sword. Until, Red Sonja remembers she has the Sword of Grey Skull, and quite literally the power of Eternia, she utters the magic words, ‘By the Power of Greyskull, I have the power!!!’. Red Sonja transforms into a hugely powerful being and cuts Jean Greys head off. Walking over to a sleeping Battle Cat, Red Sonja tries to rouse him from his slumber. That’s when a thought dead Jean Grey comes back to life, this time as the mighty Phoenix. Being a Meta-Human of tremendous world conquering power, she sees Red Sonja as little more than a human sees an ant. Phoenix thus flies away, to seek more interesting pass times in the outer limits of space.
Well there we are, the fights were fought, and by my calculation, my team won out 3 -2, with one draw. I knew my team were the best, and because I wrote this, well let me just say it was fair and unbiased….yeah of course it was, sorry girls.