All Geek To Me

Pure Geekness

All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics: Final Round

By @hmsbeefnuts

Hello Geek Sport’s fans, and welcome to another, slightly delayed, post covering the greatest Geek Character’s competing in a series of events, loosely based on Olympic sports. You can read the first article here, and the second here. So without further a do, here we go…

HAMMER THROW

Thor, The Hammer Bros. Timmy Mallet, Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine, M.C. Hammer.

Now this event has been seriously mis-booked by the Geek Olympics’ organisers, oh, that would be me, never mind then, on with the fun. The Hammer Throw is a simple enough event, pick up the hammer, and throw it as far as you can. Beloved 80’s TV Children’s entertainer Timmy Mallet steps up to the plate, struggles to pick up the hammer, twists around, and flings it wildly, behind him. He scores a mighty throw of -2m. Oh dear. Next up The Hammer Bros from Super Mario Bros step to the plate, pick up the hammer and proceed to throw it in a high arc, straight up, and straight down, but being turtle things, perhaps they don’t fully understand the rules. They score 4m, an improvement, but not much of one.

Next up, Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine, who despite his name, has never actually thrown a Hammer. He has put people in figure four leg locks though, and he proceeds to drag M.C. Hammer, proving that you can indeed ‘touch this’, in the middle of the stadium and tries to apply the submission move. Unfortunately for ‘The Hammer’, M.C. Hammer is too legit. Too legit to quit, and as he is wearing frankly ridiculous parachute pants, the figure four is ineffective, M.C. Hammer breaks free and runs off. Greg is shamed and arrested by Green Lantern Security. That leaves Thor. He has brought his own Hammer, which he throws, and it keep going and going and going. Unfortunately, it comes back to his hand. Thor scores 0m. Gold Medal goes to The Hammer Bros. with a mighty 4m.

RUNNING

Flash, Quicksilver, Sonic, Superman.

Everyone seems to love the 100m and stuff like that. Personally I can’t see it. 9.65 secs and it’s all over. So this race will be from the starting point in our Geek Olympic Stadium here in Cardiff, all the way around the world, and back to the stadium. The contestants line up, eagerly awaiting the starter pistol. BOOM! The shot is fired and everyone is off. 9.65 secs later Flash crosses the finish line. Oh. Gold Medal Flash.

ARCHERY

Katniss Everdean, Merida, Robin Hood, The Green Arrow, Hawkeye.

You all know the classic way archery contests are held, same deal here, everyone lines up, and its the person who hits the bullseye most wins. Simple really. Hawkeye goes first, he lines up an arrow, steadies himself and fires. The arrow hits the target, and explodes, destroying the next persons target too. The Green Arrow is pissed. He takes out his arrow, lines up and fires one straight at Hawkeye. Luckily its a boxing glove arrow, it knocks Hawkeye out cold, but with no target to hit, Arrow is shit out of luck.

Robin Hood is fully in flirting mode with both Katniss and Merida, which is frankly, well, a bit dodgy, are they even of age yet? Anyway, so entranced is he with both maidens, he fires wild and misses his target. The fact that he is a cartoon fox didn’t really help matters to be honest either. But there we are. It seems Gold is going to the fairer sex today. Katniss and Merida take turns in firing arrows, both hitting bullseye after bullseye. The deadlock is broken however, when Merida suggest they try to see who is the best an horse archery. She is. And she wins. Katniss is forced to go home empty handed, home to her weird Lady Gaga inspired Capitol City. Gold goes to Merida.

WRESTLING/BOXING/MMA/JUDO/KARATE BASICALLY FUCKING SOMEONE UP

Hulk, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Thing, Jason Statham, Bruce Lee, Rocky, Mr. T, Rowdy Roddy Pipper, Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Andre The Giant, The Rock, Wolverine, Deadpool, Chewbacca, Hagrid, Legolas, Batman, Jon Matrix, Ivan Drago, Indiana Jones, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Wolfman, Bigfoot, Conan, Khal Drogo, A Predator, An Alien and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

This event is basically just a Royal Rumble Event to see who is the hardest Mofo in the universe. I’m not even going to attempt to try an describe the chaos that went down in this event. All super powers, all weapons are allowed, no rules apart from, when you get thrown over the ropes, your out, or if you die in the ring, your out. Simple right. All participants start in the, frankly, massive ring. This goes on for hours, and what initially seemed like a brilliant idea, has become a nightmare. Hours pass, and finally two contestants are left, Jason Statham and Batman. Clearly the two hardest people in the known universe, and the best two at beating the shit out of people.

There can only be one winner though. Both have never been beaten, but Batman is just slightly better, sorry Jason. Batman smashes his opponents face through the mat, and throws him over the ropes, simple, but effective. Gold Medal, and award for best person at fighting ever, Batman. Was there ever any doubt?

With that, our All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics comes to an end. Thanks for reading. Catch you soon.

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