All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics: Final Round

By @hmsbeefnuts

Hello Geek Sport’s fans, and welcome to another, slightly delayed, post covering the greatest Geek Character’s competing in a series of events, loosely based on Olympic sports. You can read the first article here, and the second here. So without further a do, here we go…

HAMMER THROW

Thor, The Hammer Bros. Timmy Mallet, Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine, M.C. Hammer.

Now this event has been seriously mis-booked by the Geek Olympics’ organisers, oh, that would be me, never mind then, on with the fun. The Hammer Throw is a simple enough event, pick up the hammer, and throw it as far as you can. Beloved 80’s TV Children’s entertainer Timmy Mallet steps up to the plate, struggles to pick up the hammer, twists around, and flings it wildly, behind him. He scores a mighty throw of -2m. Oh dear. Next up The Hammer Bros from Super Mario Bros step to the plate, pick up the hammer and proceed to throw it in a high arc, straight up, and straight down, but being turtle things, perhaps they don’t fully understand the rules. They score 4m, an improvement, but not much of one.

Next up, Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine, who despite his name, has never actually thrown a Hammer. He has put people in figure four leg locks though, and he proceeds to drag M.C. Hammer, proving that you can indeed ‘touch this’, in the middle of the stadium and tries to apply the submission move. Unfortunately for ‘The Hammer’, M.C. Hammer is too legit. Too legit to quit, and as he is wearing frankly ridiculous parachute pants, the figure four is ineffective, M.C. Hammer breaks free and runs off. Greg is shamed and arrested by Green Lantern Security. That leaves Thor. He has brought his own Hammer, which he throws, and it keep going and going and going. Unfortunately, it comes back to his hand. Thor scores 0m. Gold Medal goes to The Hammer Bros. with a mighty 4m.

RUNNING

Flash, Quicksilver, Sonic, Superman.

Everyone seems to love the 100m and stuff like that. Personally I can’t see it. 9.65 secs and it’s all over. So this race will be from the starting point in our Geek Olympic Stadium here in Cardiff, all the way around the world, and back to the stadium. The contestants line up, eagerly awaiting the starter pistol. BOOM! The shot is fired and everyone is off. 9.65 secs later Flash crosses the finish line. Oh. Gold Medal Flash.

ARCHERY

Katniss Everdean, Merida, Robin Hood, The Green Arrow, Hawkeye.

You all know the classic way archery contests are held, same deal here, everyone lines up, and its the person who hits the bullseye most wins. Simple really. Hawkeye goes first, he lines up an arrow, steadies himself and fires. The arrow hits the target, and explodes, destroying the next persons target too. The Green Arrow is pissed. He takes out his arrow, lines up and fires one straight at Hawkeye. Luckily its a boxing glove arrow, it knocks Hawkeye out cold, but with no target to hit, Arrow is shit out of luck.

Robin Hood is fully in flirting mode with both Katniss and Merida, which is frankly, well, a bit dodgy, are they even of age yet? Anyway, so entranced is he with both maidens, he fires wild and misses his target. The fact that he is a cartoon fox didn’t really help matters to be honest either. But there we are. It seems Gold is going to the fairer sex today. Katniss and Merida take turns in firing arrows, both hitting bullseye after bullseye. The deadlock is broken however, when Merida suggest they try to see who is the best an horse archery. She is. And she wins. Katniss is forced to go home empty handed, home to her weird Lady Gaga inspired Capitol City. Gold goes to Merida.

WRESTLING/BOXING/MMA/JUDO/KARATE BASICALLY FUCKING SOMEONE UP

Hulk, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Thing, Jason Statham, Bruce Lee, Rocky, Mr. T, Rowdy Roddy Pipper, Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Andre The Giant, The Rock, Wolverine, Deadpool, Chewbacca, Hagrid, Legolas, Batman, Jon Matrix, Ivan Drago, Indiana Jones, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Wolfman, Bigfoot, Conan, Khal Drogo, A Predator, An Alien and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

This event is basically just a Royal Rumble Event to see who is the hardest Mofo in the universe. I’m not even going to attempt to try an describe the chaos that went down in this event. All super powers, all weapons are allowed, no rules apart from, when you get thrown over the ropes, your out, or if you die in the ring, your out. Simple right. All participants start in the, frankly, massive ring. This goes on for hours, and what initially seemed like a brilliant idea, has become a nightmare. Hours pass, and finally two contestants are left, Jason Statham and Batman. Clearly the two hardest people in the known universe, and the best two at beating the shit out of people.

There can only be one winner though. Both have never been beaten, but Batman is just slightly better, sorry Jason. Batman smashes his opponents face through the mat, and throws him over the ropes, simple, but effective. Gold Medal, and award for best person at fighting ever, Batman. Was there ever any doubt?

With that, our All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics comes to an end. Thanks for reading. Catch you soon.

All Geek To Me’s Geek Olympics: Fencing

By @hmsbeefnuts

I don’t know about you, but for months, if not years, I have been fed up with all this Olympic nonsense. I get it, it’s cool that the lesser sports get a great big competition to see who is the best, but by Zeus, I find it incredibly boring. There are some bright spots though. Fencing, wrestling, boxing, javelin etc. are all cool events, it’s just that all the stupid rules get in the way of me having a good time. It was then with a slightly mischievous glint in my rolling eyes, that I decided to pick a few choice Olympic sports and hold a Geek Character Olympic games, a far more interesting prospect than the real boring ones that are currently on going. All characters and real people are eligible to enter the Geek Olympics, and a few interesting (hopefully) events will take place. Oh and there can be only one, so no silver, no bronze, just gold, the Geek Olympics have no place for losers.

OPENING CEREMONY

I have organised this celebration of awesome physical feats, and as such, I get to pick the acts for the opening ceremony. So here goes. We start things off nice and folksy with a performance by Flight of the Conchords, as everyone has a gentle introduction to the madness that is to come. A few toe tapping songs later, and our next act comes to the stage, The Lonely Island. The boys, joined by Mr Timberlake rock the stadium as a Human Torch relay is taking place. Johnny Storm is carried around the stadium by all the participants. Finally, as The Lonely Island’s set comes to an end, The Hulk carries the Human Torch up the steps of a gigantic platform and throws him at the Geek Olympic symbol, setting it on fire. We are almost ready. Just time for our last and best act, Tenacious D rock the crowds socks off with a storming set as some dragons do a fly by and a firework display, provided courtesy of V and Gandalf lights up the sky. With the ceremony over, it is time for our first events.

FENCING

Our contenders for the fencing gold medal are, Robin Hood (Errol Flynn Version), Inigo Montoya, Count Dooku, Syrio Forel, Ezio Auditore, Captain Jack Sparrow, Colin McCloud and Zorro. McCloud faces Montoya in heat 1. There can be only one, but Montoya knows something McCloud doesn’t, Inigo isn’t left handed, Montoya goes through easily with a killing swipe that takes the Highlanders head. Heat 2 Cpt. Jack faces up to the dancing teacher himself, Syrio Forel. Both unique individuals, this heat goes on for a while, with Jack’s unusual ‘drunken’ style making a fool out of the former First Sword of Braavos. Back and for the match goes, until Jack is distracted by the glint of the Gold medal, displayed near the arena, Forel, lunges, Jack falls, and Forel is through to the next round.

Robin Hood and the devious Count Dooku face each other next, Dooku is forced to use a formal sword, no lightsabres here. Unused to the extra weight, and due to the fact he is old as shit, Robin Hood easily overcomes him, a cut to the hand makes Dooku drop his sword, and with a slap of the tights, Robin of Loxley is through to the next round. Heat 4 has Ezio Auditore, master Assassin, and Zorro cross rapiers. But before the match can start, Ezio goes to shake hands, as Zorro reaches out, Ezio unleashes his hidden blade, one swift jump kill later, and Zorro is no more. On to the Semi- Finals!!!

Inigo Montoya draws Ezio Auditore, and after what happened to Zorro, Montoya is taking no chances. The match starts and Inigo begins his first attack, Ezio is dodging, trying to get away, but Inigo is able to keep up. Steel clashes on steel, and minutes pass without a break in the deadlock. But then Inigo has a thought; ‘You wouldn’t happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand?’, Inigo asks Ezio, confused by the question, Ezio drops his guard, only for Inigo to stab the Italian Assassin to death. Inigo through to the final. That leaves Syrio Forel and Robin Hood, in semi-final 2. Robin is having a great time, laughing and joking with the crowd, and laughing at Syrio and his dancing style. Not being taken seriously annoys the Braavosi and he flings himself at Hood. All of a sudden silver flashes and metallic clashes ring out with renewed fury. Syrio over stretches, Robin slaps Syrio’s arse with his sword, a fatal mistake, Syrio launches his sword behind him, straight into the laughing face of Hood. Lesson? Always take sword fights seriously!!

OK its time for the first final, the big one, the Gold Medal contest between Syrio Forel and Inigo Montoya. The final takes place in a ruined castle, stair cases, rocks and chandeliers. Its going to be good. Both men are pretty evenly matched, masters of many different styles. Both men walk to the centre, salute each other with their swords and then… en guarde!!! A flurry of sword strikes is almost blindingly hard to see. The crowd is on edge as the fight goes back and forth, up stairs, down stairs, swinging on the chandeliers and the exact cutting of conveniently placed candles. It seems the Braavosi and the Spaniard are an even match, even the left handed/right handed trick doesn’t work, both men have studied there fencing well. For four hours both men put on a show that puts all other contests to shame. However, it all comes down to conditioning, and Inigo is a younger man than the retired First Sword of Braavos, a trip over a lose step, put Forel on his front, defenceless. Inigo draws his sword to the throat of the downed man. But something stops him from striking; ‘I would sooner destroy a work of art than a master like yourself, yield to me.’ Syrio agrees, the Inigo helps Syrio up, and the two men hug it out. Winner Inigo Montoya.

That’s it for this time, there will be more events coming, and hopefully you will stick around to see what happens? Until next time…

WEDNESDAY WHIMSY

By @hmsbeefnuts

 

Welcome to another weekly dose of whimsy, prescribed every Wednesday by yours truly. This week, I shall only deliver a small dose, as I am rather busy with work commitments. But we shall see how far we get. This week has been a sad one for the Geek community as a whole, and the Batman Geek community in particular. I refuse to give any publicity to anyone who commits an atrocity such as the one that happened last Friday, and it sickens me that the news agencies are seeking to exaggerate matters by referring to this sick individual as ‘The Batman Killer’ or ‘The Joker’. Please refrain from using such phrases, it only adds to this guys infamy.

There was of course very happy news in the world of Batman too. The Dark Knight Rises is a fantastic end to Christopher Nolan’s trilogy. I will not review it here, at least not in any detail, until a few more people get to see it. I know Geeky Gem has yet to watch it, as soon as she does, I will write up some more detailed thoughts. I’m happy to say I thought it was fantastic, all the cast were amazing, the storyline was strong, and thankfully I avoided spoilers, which I urge you to do, as at times I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. A very satisfying end to a very satisfying trilogy. I do not envy the guy who has to reboot the Bat now, but I am looking forward to the results. My vote would be to go for a less realistic universe, one in which Superman, Green Lantern, Flash and Wonder Woman can co-exist with Batman, because I want a Justice League Movie.

The Olympics starts on Friday, and to be honest I couldn’t give less of a shit. However, look out for a special series of Geek Olympics that we will be featuring on All Geek To Me, as soon as I can find the time to write them. Time is becoming a real problem at the moment and I am struggling to fit everything in. I had to quit my regular Sunday article at GameNTrain.com due to time constraints, a shame, as I did enjoy writing solely about video games, even if I was having trouble thinking of stuff to write about. I honestly considered The Top 5 Shoes in Gaming. Yeah, I was scraping the barrel. I would like to say thanks to everyone for giving me the opportunity over at GameNTrain, and Eric in particular. Always helpful, always supportive, good people.

I am currently reading Batman : No Man’s Land, which I am enjoying very much, I really need to make a dent in my comics pile, it is getting stupidly huge. I am also still reading Hunting The American Werewolf by Linda S. Godfrey, and yes I have been reading it for far too long. Once again, time is a factor here.

Games wise, I have been having a go at playing Lego Batman 2, and although I enjoy it in parts, it shares the problems that all the Lego games do, i.e., it has an awful camera system, it is very frustrating, and at times down right unfathomable, there are parts that are so obtuse as to be ridiculous. It is all made worthwhile however, by the fact that when you play as Superman, the John Williams theme plays when you fly, and you can shoot down baddies with your laser eyes!!

August is almost here, and we seem to have hit a bit of a movie low point. Most of the big action blockbusters are already out, and there seems like there is nothing really spectacular out  until The Hobbit in December. Of course, I will always find something to watch, practically every week, but all but one of the films I was really looking forward too this year have come out, roll on December.

Well that’s going to have to be it for one week, I have work to do.